Battles of Faith and the Heart



Love and choice. They seem to be battleground words. Is it possible to be in love to the depths of ones being and still make the choice to run? Does that mean that we sell ourselves short? I am not so sure that is the case. It is human nature to desire companionship for one reason or another, however, is it necessary for survival or even to make us whole? Are we not our own best companions?

It is said we are our own best enemies, but doesn’t that also make us our own best friends? It is not unreasonable to think and/or chose to walk away from love and life as we know it. It doesn’t make us wrong, it means we made a choice. Albeit in some instances it can be one of the hardest choices in life, but it is ours to make. Someone told me I would be selling myself short if I made the choice to walk away. My rebuttal was how can I sell myself short if I don’t know what I am missing or if I am even willing to try.

Acceptance is peace in my book and once you accept your cross to bear, peace follows suit. If one can be content in his or her life and chosen path, why must we be labeled as selling ourselves short? For instance, if one has had nothing but broken hearts and pain for most of their life, they put their faith in and start anew, just to have their heart ripped out, stomped on, poured acid on; is it fair to ask that person to forget their past and move on, open themselves up and give their heart over again? I don’t think it is a fair request to make of anyone, let alone someone who is broken.

So, how does someone who is broken find the courage to get up again and again and expose not only themselves, but their hearts as well. I don’t have the answer and God only knows I need it. Since I have admitted I am ass over teacups in love, I find my fear is much stronger than love. Id rather run away and lock myself up than have to face it. Sad thing is, I don’t know why I feel the way I do. Nothing happened, nothing was said to set it off, I just do. Of course, I also find myself debating whether the concept of love or love itself is truly worth the anguish and pain that comes with it. That seems to be true whether one is 14 or 84. There is no way to stop it or make it better. The choice then becomes to grin and bear or walk away and not risk a bigger heartache than already in existence.

I cant remotely think to reach out for guidance divine or otherwise since I am going through a period of loss of faith in my life. Im not a gambling girl, therefore, the thought of risk to my own heart is not appealing. Although I love and am in such love that I cant see a way out, I am just as numb and feel just as void. Therefore, the main question that remains is…..will the love fill the void or create a larger one in exchange?

Life brings a roller coaster of emotions ranging from happy, sad, and battles of faith much larger than our own understanding. It becomes so complicated that we get frustrated and want to walk away faster than take the time to sort through it. I find myself sitting in a deep tunnel, dark, without any lights in any direction. More thoughts to follow as I find myself trying to untangle the mess of webs and hopefully find a flashlight.

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