Torment

It is almost impossible to judge ones true heart and reaction. I found that out tonight as I sit staring out into the cold rain. I thought for sure that after the “Love” story, which is my own that I could get over it. I mean how difficult is it to come to terms with a loss one never saw coming? My mind swears it should be a pang and then one walks away. You continue on with life, while somewhere in the subconscious crevices of the brain you continue the process of working through it. Eventually with time it gets easier and better to deal with. Theoretically, that sounds like a very good and very sound plan. But then you realize that you are thinking with your mind and not your heart.

The wretched organ squirms and fights every step of the way and every minute. It seems as though no matter what your brain comes up with, your heart completely and utterly disagrees. This inner battle of heart and mind is enough to tear anyone to shreds. I can’t help but fight the urge to run away. Coddle up in the fetal position and cry for hours or days, however, long it takes to complete a heart wrenching mourning process. If it were only that simple. It is very easy to reconcile a loss or disappointing heart break in one’s mind, it is the after affects that make it unbearable to handle at times.

I know everyone sees and handles loss differently. It also depends on how deeply invested you are when the breakup happens. I, not being realistic with myself, assumed it would be an easy walk away. Guess who was wrong? I was not very true to myself in that respect and fooled myself into believing it was nothing. That was probably the biggest mistake of my life. While it did not affect me when I was completely immersed in that relationship, it feels like bricks over the head now. There are good days and bad days. In all honesty, it is simply much like any other loss. You must go through the grieving process and get to know yourself again. You are a changed person on the other end of the grieving tunnel. The change can be either good or bad, but there is a change. You either better yourself and know yourself or rather learn something new and can move on, at first slow and then eventually back to normal. The negative side is similar in that you do learn something new and can move on in life, except that rather than get back on the proverbial horse, you choose to shell yourself up, leave yourself unexposed to anyone, friends included. You crawl into a deep, dark hole without a flashlight and you don’t care what happens next.

I am being thrown into the negative aspect of this decision process. Why? In my current introspection mode, I see myself in a different light. Truth be told, I am aware that it may not be the most accurate, however, you cannot manipulate your heart into feeling a certain way…like it or not. Since I have no control of my heart and the way it feels I have no choice but to allow it to rebel. My brain then kicks in and in a genuine effort to protect me from getting hurt begins to come up with theories as to why I shouldn’t be bothered with it. Self-defense is admirable and genuine, but does not always reflect the truth, but rather sits and baths in harsh realities. The proverbial making a mountain out of a mole hill. The sad truth is that although I recognize the signs and how far-fetched some of the things are that run through my head I can’t help but give in because my mind cannot reconcile what it can’t prove outright. Fact versus supposition. When your heart is involved there is no rhyme or reason for either. However, while your heart is out rebelling against everything you know and your brain is scrambling to make sense of it all….you end up with torment. So much so, that it keeps you up at night, you can’t eat, you are irritable and all because your inner self is in complete dissension.

I stare at myself in the mirror thinking how I could have been so stupid. How did I not see this coming? I am not some child that is unreasonable or has ridiculous expectations. I know better. Or do I? Apparently not, my mind answers in silence. The mind starts its regular routine of going through all the positives that you have, virtues, characteristics, etc. Then you feel your heart sink, remembering where you are and your brain changes tracks. It is not a pleasant place when all you can think about is what exactly is wrong with you. You start to very harshly judge yourself. I know I have spent hours in the mirror reminding myself that I ended up in this discord and heart break because I am apparently good enough to be someone’s bed whore but nothing more. Once your usage has come to an end, you are discarded like an old wash cloth in the garbage. Yes, it is very harsh thought but again, when I can’t reconcile I think the extreme worse. What makes it more painful is that I have no clue what happened, where and why. There is no true closure. I am forced to make that mind up on my own based on assumptions and truths that only exist in my mind and the picture does not look pretty. We are our own worst critics that much I know. However, how does one get past that?

The primary question remains…how do you walk away when the loss and memories of are staring, no slapping, you in the face daily. Some memories are tangible while others are not. Nonetheless, they stare at me in the face daily. Moving on is impossible when one does not have the peace of mind and heart to grieve without constant reminders. It also makes it difficult to overcome the torment the wretched organ pulls you through when you can no longer trust your own judgment. I have been introspecting how I could have been so wrong for all this time. How can friends whose advice I was seeking, also be this wrong? It seems almost impossible that a group of otherwise rational individuals all be completely wrong. But, alas, here is the ending and we all were. How can I conciliate my heart and mind when I can’t seem to trust myself or those around me? I second guess every decision made and I find myself questioning my closest friends, their motivations, their intentions, etc. It seems like I’m trapped in a whirlwind of a deceptive life, constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. The “what else can possibly go wrong”…..and waiting for God’s sense of humor to take hold and have something else go completely wrong. Why not?

I am left with a myriad of questions and thoughts, none of which I can make peace with. The heart, knowing that love is hope…the olive branch to serenity and peace…the one thing that inspires you to great deeds wants one thing. It cannot, however, speak in facts. It speaks in hope an emotion….neither of which is rational by any means. It retrieves memories that are positive and delight in hope. Then the brain comes into play. It looks back at the turmoil, the negatives, and the plain meanness that is memories and cannot reconcile itself. It finds no logic or understanding and thereby goes into creative defense mode. It will turn mean, lashing out at even the most well intended parties. It wants to protect and save you from experiencing the disappointment over and over again and shuts down. You give up and try to walk away again. It becomes a vicious circle of confusion from which you cannot seem to break.

Torment of the heart is a soul in deep bondage. The inner battle does not know which way to go or what to do. You find yourself swirling in a whirlpool of anger, mistrust, and misunderstanding. You have no way to break free from it. You sink lower and lower until you hit rock bottom. At that point, there is no saving, no grace, no way to break the chains of emotional bondage….and so you turn to the life of a recluse until your heart is mended. No amount of time can ever truly heal. We all have scars imbedded deeply within ourselves. They do not always come out or show themselves, but when another cut or blow is dealt...the wound opens up and is doused again in acid. How can one truly free themselves of this bondage and move on when we all have memories and disappointments that run so deep, it paralyzes you into a fear and you cannot remotely recognize the person in the mirror?