Thoughts

Does love heal all wounds and fallacies in one’s life? That is a question I have been pondering greatly of late. It is said that love and time heals all. I used to believe that whole heartedly. I have very much of late given that theory up. Why? Well, rather simple answer it applies to everyone else but me. I have taken the time away and threw myself into other concentrations and life and yet the pain remains. I have worked very hard in accepting the cloak of love from friends and my spiritual journey; however, it never seems to be enough. The weight of past burdens still lies heavily upon my shoulders. So, what then is the fix? How do you move on when it seems impossible and all you can do is find yourself staring up at a mountain whose peak seems to rise into the Heavens. I sigh. I sit down and stare blankly towards the top as a tear hits my eye.

How can one overcome the impossible? I know it is simply the perception of it being impossible, however, when it is true in your own heart, how do you win the battle? Every few steps forward seems to push 10 steps back. There are good days and bad days as time marches onward. When it is described, lost love seems almost like a disease or some form of drug abuse, having its good days and bad, while nothing seems to make it easier or better. It is not the newfound singleton that bothers me. The only thing that makes this so much harder is the voice in the back of your head that keeps whispering “you should have known better” or “what is wrong with you, what were you thinking”….and then there is no answer, no response. This is one of those times where silence is deafening. No matter how many times you look at it or how many perspectives you try to view it from, you cannot help but hear silence. You stare at yourself in the mirror and hear nothing in return, but the face that is full of pain and confusion staring back at you.

The second thing that simply makes this so much more hard is the fear that I believe every human has…..fear of dying alone. Even with a great amount of friends and family, eventually life happens and people move on. They get married, have kids, deaths, etc…but life does happen. The fear comes to life when you realize one day that you are alone. Your relationships are no longer there or the dynamic has changed greatly. You find yourself having nothing in common with those you were once close to. Then you start questioning yourself and what specifically is wrong with you. There it is…it is the fear of growing old and dying alone. Why wouldn’t it be? It seems no one else around you or within your previous circle is still present. Although in the same breath, you find that you no longer have anything in common with the same group of people. Suddenly you go from party animal to hermit. The last thing you want is to continually pretend you are someone you are not for the simple fact of trying to fit in or portray yourself to be someone you are not. Alas, once these truths hit you, the realization of where you are, what you have lost and the future has lost a lot of its luster.

So the weight gets heavier and you try to not sink into a silent dark hole that seems bottomless. How much deeper can you possibly sink? I will be honest in saying that time is making a dent in the weight. The burden has gotten a bit lighter; however, the thoughts and fears shine their ugly head and seem to swirl more frequently within the deep crevices of my mind. It is definitely much easier than it was when it first hit, however, it does not get any better.

Does love make an impact on how one heals? This is one aspect that for me the answer is no. My healing hasn’t had a dent. Friends throw out love and caring left and right, yet none can truly reach me. It seems as though I have cocooned myself so deeply as to prevent any further damage that I am unreachable, even to those who have the best intentions. I’m sure we have all had the theory of move on, get out, and meet new people. How can you openly do that when the grieving process of loss has not completed its full cycle? It would not be fair to anyone you meet or even to yourself. If one person has not completed their grieving you are simply super imposing feelings, good or bad onto the poor unsuspecting bastard that you now get into a new relationship. Unfortunately, this is much more than simple rebound. This is destructive and hurtful, leaving both parties very confused. It is much like you jumping into a relationship with a new person and then when you realize it isn’t correct or isn’t the right person you try to break it off. Next thing you know there is a volatile drama building and no ending seems to be in sight. The problem is the other party has no idea you have put feelings on them and you can’t seem to leave the tornado of confusion.

Once these thoughts seem to swirl in your head, no declaration of love or caring from even your most trusted friend can pull you up from the deep dark rabbit hole you have sunk in. The feelings then go back and forth and you try to convince yourself that time and love will heal the heart and pain that is immersed in it. It seems a never ending struggle; however, it will get easier. I am not sure I would say it heals but I would at least hope that at the very least it numbs the pain and one can move on.