Journey's Start

I know I have been mentioning the journey that I started within myself and towards God. I need to honestly admit that this is the hardest journey I have ever had to make. The decision to do so was very easy. I went through some really tough times in my life and at one point reached “critical mass”. The last straw, as one would say. My immediate reaction was of course a rather selfish stomping my feet and crying “why me”. We, as adults all do that, I don’t care who you are. When certain news or events come across our world and they are not positive…the first human reaction is typically “why me and why now”. Most likely because we as humans all have lives that are on a constant roller coaster and no time to smell the roses. There is no stop or idle as we all want everything done yesterday. I truly had no idea what I was stepping into.

Until I had decided to take that step, I was a zombie spiritually. I walked through life simply going through the motions. I was one of those people that went to church every Sunday, but had no idea what was happening or why because I was going through the motions. The energizer bunny powered to do list was running through my mind like a streaming video. All I heard was voices. They sounded like Charlie Brown’s mother because I was busy concentrating on my pathetic life. Eventually, I turned away from religion because it didn’t speak to me then.

 Once the straw came into my life and after stomping my feet got tiring, I sat down. Sat down and went through every emotion known to man throughout a few days. I was completely unreachable and a stone cold wall to even my closest friends. I was busy wondering how and why my life could possibly fall apart so quickly. What was I doing wrong that I was consistently having to endure God’s wrath? Idiotic thought, I know. But there was no way that this could possibly be my fault, never mind my actually taking any personal accountability or responsibility for it. I felt like a 3 year old throwing a fit. When reality sank in that it was happening, I was not in a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from I went from 3 year old tantrum to infant. Once calm, I reached out to friends and asked their opinions on how do I go about working this out and dealing with myself. Needless to say I received numerous opinions, all ranging from try counseling until you can balance out, to church, to shut down and work through it internally. None of them really jumped out at me. So I started the process of elimination. The last option I could not do. Not at that point in my life. So I was left with reaching out for therapy or God. I sent out an email for both and decided which ever one answers first would be the route I take.

In all honesty, I wasn’t looking forward to therapy. You know you go in and the blame starts in childhood and everything you are is rooted back to that time. I didn’t need that. I knew exactly where I was and my childhood I had made peace with. Nonetheless it was an option for me to vent out loud to a stranger whose only focus was getting the hourly rate and lending an ear. The next morning I got an email back. It was from my local church and by the clergy himself. I stuck to my guns and went with that route. It was the best decision I ever made but also the most painful. I was forced to look within and face the demons I’d been throwing under the carpet for a long time. I started the cleanup. It was a long road since and I find myself battling with lessons daily. Some of them are easier to get through than others, while others force me to go through the deepest chasms of my heart, a place only God can reach at this point. Especially if I am to have any hope of healing.

My current struggle is learning to let go and give it to Him. A process much easier said than done. Initially I was holding on for dear life. Now I have reached the point where I hand it over, but still hold onto the edges of it. My spirit is getting tired and my fingers are getting slippery. I hope I can reach the end sooner rather than later. The clearing in the fog can only bring a brightness on the horizon, powerful enough to reach into my soul.

For anyone trying to figure it out or struggling with life as a whole, counseling may not be the only option out there. Whether or not you believe in anything religious or spiritual it cannot hurt to allow yourself the luxury of testing every option and keeping your heart open for the one that speaks to you most loudly and clearly.