Virtue of Patience

“Love is patient” I hear myself telling a friend of mine who is complaining about her love life. The funny thing is I hear myself consistently telling people that in similar self induced drama in their lives in a myriad of relationships be it friendships, love, family, whatever type. Love is patient applies to everyone and everything across the board. Recently, I had a sit down with a friend who very eloquently slapped me in the face with those same words. I say them and mean them when advising anyone else but me. Yes, I am my own worst enemy and hypocrite. I admit it fully.

I sit on my balcony, staring out into the night sky. It’s magnificent. The clouds are heavy and dark and I can see the lightening flash across the sky. There is no thunder, just a brilliant and almost translucent light. One minute it seems blue then the next a transparent white. I sit and stare at it as if I were a small child with my face firmly pressed against the candy store window. We never stop to look and think of the simplest things in life, things that we take for granted or view as annoying because it thwarts our plans. We miss so much in wondrous awe. As I stare out, my brain decides to start its ever annoying process of thought and breaks my harmony with nature. Love is patient I think to myself. Then why is it I don’t seem to comprehend such an easy statement. It is short, simple and not very much left to interpretation. Except to my over analytical mind that does not compute what doesn’t make sense.

I am very guilty of not listening to that statement. I don’t follow it well at all. I am one of those people that want life done yesterday. I don’t want to wait or be patient for things to happen in their due course. I want it yesterday. I even get annoyed waiting in line at Starbucks. I know so many others feel the same. I see them every day in line; sitting in traffic, you name it…we are all guilty. So then how can I comprehend patience? Well, I’ll tell you a story.

Long ago I came across a person in my life who I didn’t expect much from. Not meaning in a negative light, but rather not pivotal. A mere acquaintance. Surprise, surprise…God has a sense of humor. I approached this friendship cautiously and always maintained arms length. My brain had been in defense mode and there was absolutely no way anyone would ever get close. I even had a mental pros and cons list (yes I am the poster child of dork sometimes). While I truly understood my position and my newfound friend, I was in no way shape or form ready to be side swiped and smacked across the face. I was overly confident in my abilities to maintain arms length and therefore I ignored what my wretched little organ was planning behind my back. As time went on we got closer as friends, spent a lot of time together. One fateful day, driving home from one of our typical hangouts and impatiently cussing at the red light I was held up on it dawned on me. I had feelings for this person. Not just simple like or love as a close friend, but romantic feelings were developing. I was in utter shock. How did I allow myself to go here? Hello self…my defensive walls were up, how exactly did this non-pivotal friend break through that iron clad shell I was in? And worse, how did I not notice it? The cars now beeping behind me brought me back to reality.

I spent the next few weeks arguing with myself. I reached out to friends to make sense out of it. Most of my wonderful comrades enjoyed a great time at my expense. They laughed and called me to my senses. Thank you guys. So I did what most people would do, I ignored them because I didn’t want to hear it. In this time I backed off hanging out with this person to come to terms with myself. I came up with every excuse in the books to not see him. Finally, I gave in. I was centered and floating on my mental ship of De’Nile and I was Cleopatra. I convinced myself I was mistaken. Face palm! The minute I laid eyes on him and we did our normal hugs hello, my heart sank, my knees were shaking and reality slapped me in the face. I was in love with this person. I couldn’t deny it anymore inside me. But, that didn’t mean I was about to give up that sensitive information to him. So, I pretended to be the buddy I always was. It worked, he didn’t have a clue. But it took effort on my part. I found myself concentrating to ignore it and be a friend. I was terrified that he would see right through me. Then my heart sank. There seemed to be an eerie tension and discomfort between us. He was acting as odd as I was. Little phrases were spoken, the way he looked at me, something seemed off. I, of course, was in complete ignorance because I convinced myself it couldn’t be. The way we physically interacted was different. The touches between us seemed more personal, the giggles, the match of wits; everything had something unspoken left behind. As we watch TV, he leans over and puts his head on my shoulder. Mindlessly, my arm goes around him. We fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, we were completely embraced, his head on my chest completely cuddled up on the couch. Red flags and alerts were screaming in my head. This was not our typical behavior, yet neither of us seemed to stop it. I wanted to jump up and run out. Then I looked at him, peacefully sleeping. He whispered “I love you”….but I thought I was hearing what my heart wanted to, so I dismissed it.  I could feel his breathe on my chest, his eyes softly closed with dark eyelashes and what seemed like a smile on his lips. I didn’t want to disturb him…my first emotional response was to cuddle up harder and hug him tighter. My brain would not allow me to. Matter of fact, I got angry with myself for feeling that way…especially since I convinced myself it was one-sided. So I gently pushed him off and ran out. My mind ran in circles. I was crying out of confusion and anger towards myself. There was no way for me to remotely ignore my feelings. I fell down the rabbit hole without a flash light.

So I stayed away from him. I was convinced it was one sided only and I wasn’t ready and didn’t want anything more. Or so I lied to myself. But it was a great defensive move. After that he and I went back and forth for a long while. My friends started to get involved and advise me. Like an idiot led by her heart I stayed and played the tug of war game. It ripped me apart emotionally. Just when I thought I was over it, we’d see each other again and something within his actions would escalate the situation. Sigh. Such is life, filled with confusion and doubt. In all this, all I had to do was face it and communicate. But that was not what my brain had in mind. This went on for well over a year. We both changed as people for a purpose we weren’t ready to admit. So we fought it, ignored it and walked away…choosing pain and frustration over facing the fear.

That mess within my brain and heart is not yet resolved. While I have closed that chapter in my life, I have not had closure to it. Yes, if you’re wondering the great friendship we had is no longer. We cannot rewind to where we were. So, there we are today battling demons of fear and faith while allowing a true friendship to dissipate completely. I want to walk away…rather run away and shut myself down completely on an emotional angle. My friends keep insisting I am not crazy, it is not one sided and I truly need to walk in blind faith that God wouldn’t open my heart to slam me down. But yet, here I struggle with a back and forth emotional tug of war where neither of us has ever remotely attempted to solidify or at least edify what was happening between us. Back to that “love is patient” phrase. I preach it to others and find it very difficult to believe.

So, how does one play mediator to the internal war of heart and mind? Which side do you go with? One tries to protect you, so that you don’t have to face it, while the other wants to expose you and heal you with it. The answer....with patience and compassion for yourself. It is truly a walk in blind faith and patience. Both in yourself and in whatever power of being one believes in that your instinct and heart will never steer you wrong. Patience that life will unfold when it is supposed to. Love is patient though. It requires trust and faith that your heart never leads you wrong. Nothing happens by accident or by chance. We simply forget that we are not on our own timeline but rather something bigger. Patience is a virtue I am still battling to acquire. I only hope that closure comes swiftly, although my patience level has increased tenfold in this experience.