Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a word that seems simple enough. If one truly looks deep within them, they are capable of forgiving. Although I do not think most can forget and if you can, I envy you truly. I am one of those basic people that can forgive easily, I hold no grudges or running list of all wrongs done to me, but I never forget. While in and of itself it is not a bad thing. It can help and guide one to be more careful next time and how to better assess friendships and relationships. However, I have come across an aspect of it so intimidating, I am actually stuck.

I have been wronged for lack of better wording by a very close family member whom I trusted fully. It took me years to forgive this person, but I finally have. I let it all go and walked away with less burdens and holdbacks. I have recently been put in a position where some of the old ghosts of the past have risen back up. This time the wrong was with an acquaintance of sorts, but one who could become an integral part of my life. Initially, I let the comment slide off my back and pretended it was nothing. I am super woman who cannot under any circumstances ever be hurt. That is my alter ego, the one that constantly tries to protect. As days go by however, I am forced to look at that situation. Now, I haven’t been given the opportunity to respond, which hindsight is a very good thing. Although, I have forgiven that very similar situation in one person, I struggle with forgiveness this time around. I believe that main reason is that I was judged and sentenced without the person ever having met me. While I can take a lot, I have to admit I was surprised, if not genuinely shocked at the result. My anger has dissipated, but my forgiveness is difficult in coming. Objectively, putting myself in the other person’s shoes I understand the vehement and anger that the response came under. What I am still unable to make peace with is the immediate sentencing I have been rendered. Unfortunately, this goes back to we are unable to manipulate and/or change the heart or how it feels. Therefore, I am left to work on forgiveness on my own, without ever the possibility of correcting a wrong ideal. Easier said than done since it brings up memories of a similar issue, which tore me to shreds.

The second wrong is not really a wrong to me personally, but rather a wrong that I am on the receiving end of. Although it is not a direct wrong, it goes against everything I believe in. A close friend of mine took a wrong turn somewhere and his idea of dealing with his problems was diving head first into alcohol and turning into the proverbial social whore. Not only does this behavior go against who I thought this person was at heart but also against certain things that I have yet to come to terms with from my own past. How does one forgive an act that completely changes the dynamics of a relationship and brings you to a point where you don’t know who this person is any more. My solution was to walk away and not deal with it. The forgiveness option I have yet to conquer and/or remotely work on. It isn’t fair that I take it to heart, this person’s actions as they are not towards me, however, ghosts of the past being awakened again doesn’t help the matter. I know my biggest problem with it is very simply put that I no longer have any trust in the man, nor do I know who he is anymore. The friend I got to know and love as a friend was one person, this “new” person is one I abhor. I cannot reconcile in my mind or heart being able to continue a friendship with a person I no longer trust and no longer recognize. In all honesty, had we met now with the persona he has become, I never would have said hello, never mind be open to a friendship. But since we have one, I cannot reconcile walking away either. Forgiveness in this matter is much harder than the previous. Forgiveness here requires complete acceptance; that is a part I am not sure I can or ever will live with.

I know that to forgive is for yourself, but is it possible to forgive and not forget? If not able to forget, then how does one make peace with themselves and move forward in these relationships while carrying the burden of an unforgiving heart? The answer to that I do not have as I am struggling with the concept myself. While I completely understand that forgiving is for my betterment, it seems a difficult task.

The other side of the coin is being able to forgive instantly, but not erase the memory. Initial question still beckons an answer, if one cannot forget how then does one move on with the relationship? The hardest thing I have found is when you forgive a wrong, but cannot erase the memory; having to face the person who did you wrong and try very hard to not be reminded of that wrong. That makes it that much more difficult to move on. Does time heal it? Of course it does, however, how much time and can a relationship survive it? The inability to forget also brings another burden with it. I have seen scenarios where the necessary time was not taken and due to being completely unable to forget, the feelings were then transposed onto another person. It becomes a vicious circle that only serves to harden one’s heart. The burden gets heavier to carry until one day you explode, lash out and find yourself having to fix a lot more than you started with.

I used to think forgiving was very easy, as I always have been able to do without question. Currently being faced with these two issues, I am not so sure I can. It calls into question everything I am and have worked so hard on becoming. Is it a test of my faith? I am not sure. The path in blind faith as I must walk it, becomes more difficult each and every day. Although I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it seems I am forced to slow down and really check myself and introspect a lot harder than I ever have. It isn’t fair that life throws curveballs at us. It isn’t fair that we must be judged and sentenced without the option of voicing our side, but nonetheless we are….each and every day by friends, family and strangers. So the question remains…how do I forgive and forget? Is it imperative I do both or can I lie with myself but simply forgiving and walking away with the rest? I don’t have the answers, but the burden becomes heavier each and every day. A decision must be made and made quickly before my own heart turns to stone and I close that part of my life forever. Would I then be better than those that judged, since I would be judging them in much the same way and pronouncing sentence not based on their actions, but rather my personal comforts; which erases my entire journey in blind faith.