Introspection

I sat here tonight in one of those blah moods. You know the ones that sometimes hit you out of nowhere and you go from being ok to a really strange kind of mood that sweeps you up and then hits you hard. Well, tonight I am there. I don’t know what happened or how exactly it hit me. I do, however, know why it hit me. My constant battle with myself in this mind over heart dilemma is nothing short of draining. I have gotten to be an expert in pushing it away from my conscious thoughts and do rather well. However, there are moments when it creeps back up and I am left in what I would call “moody”. I annoy everyone around me because my patience level drops, I become irritable and nothing anyone says will be of any comfort to me because I am in my own little world of self pity trying to figure out life.

A myriad of questions race through my mind and I am conflicted in thought on each and every one of them. For example, why is it that we encounter people in our lives that can be so good and healing to us as people and then once your guard is down they kick you, shove and throw you away as if you were nothing more than a wet washcloth that needs disposing? That is the primary question I struggle with and I know I am not alone in that. I sometimes wish we can turn the wretched organ known as our heart off. Just turned off so it feels no pain, no loss and no abandonment. There is no rejection and you can move on from any type of negativity rather quickly. I suppose it is most likely because we would then not be as human and as deep as we are as individuals.

I then stare at myself in the mirror. I am not sad at the person looking back at me; however, I don’t understand what is wrong with her. No, I am not the typical “woes me” female that finds it necessary to down herself at every turn. My self-esteem, for lack of better wording, is neutral. Yet, I can’t seem to make certain parts of life work for me. The sad thing is, most people describe me in a rather bright light and tell me I am a person they would love to be. Ha! Now there is something funny. Amazing how those around you see you as a completely different person than the one that stares back from the mirror.  My insecurities are not rock solid; however, they do affect me here and there. Here is the best description…from the outside looking in most describe me as grounded, stable and good head on her shoulders that knows where she is going and what she wants. Surprise! Tell my brain that. It doesn’t compute with me. I see it as I take care of my responsibilities and move on. While I do agree that in some respects I’ve got the hang of it….the one aspect that I completely fail in is personal relationships.

I have been so busy locking people out, and for good reason, but nonetheless lock out that now I find it very hard to get back on the proverbial horse. My main excuse has been my fear of loss and abandonment from people. Strange as that sounds, I am so talented at losing people in my life I can manage it not only through death but live ones too.  After that experience I turned it off, my feelings I mean. I was doing rather well, although lonely in life. But lonely without fear and pain. There is a saying, which I know we are all familiar with…”tis better to have love and lost than not loved at all”. In my current mood and outlook, I’m not sure how much of that I believe. Think about it….if you never loved, you never had pain. Is it that much of a loss? I think it could be, since experiencing certain situations and emotions makes us who we are as people and builds our character and strength. That can definitely be positive, but how much of the negative does one require before reaping the rewards of the positive? I don’t have an answer for that. It is my burning question in mind, the one that makes me curl up in the fetal position and make the world go away.

What does one do when one wants to turn the tide in their life? If I had to compartmentalize my life and do a spreadsheet of pros and cons, to be honest I don’t have it that bad. I mean, professionally I am where I want to be, working towards more; I have a small but loyal group of friends who will tell me about myself in a heartbeat. That is the trait of a true friend. If you can call each other out without fail or drama that makes for great friends. So, good professionally, socially and in most other aspects; however, I lack greatly in the personal department.

So back to my original burning question of what is wrong with me that I seem to push, intimidate or plainly attract every dysfunctional and not my type person within a metro area. As a woman and I know most women can agree, you always look at yourself and wonder what is wrong with you and why it is that when you do well in every aspect your personal relationship is the one that takes the sacrifice. My favorite response is the generic….”it’s not you, it’s them”….. How many times have we all heard that? I will be fair in saying that men often experience the same thing. They too are gluttons for punishment since we as women are not often kind when on a warpath. I talk more guy friends off the ledge than girls. I know it does go both ways. I am in no way saying it only happens to women. We all experience it. The sad part is when both people have been hit hard with fear, they can’t see past it even when they come together and immediately label the other as a loss.

My internal struggle moves forth. I am and will always be waiting for the answer to this burning question in my soul. No matter how much I better myself, I can’t force anyone else to feel a certain way or do things or say things a certain way. I no longer have a closet full of skeletons, I managed to shrink it to a trunk, and however, the ones left are the hardest to deal with, the biggest monsters of them all. Are some people meant to be alone throughout their lives, while others not? If that’s the case, I would accept it fully, except then why have a heart and why have people cross your path that can do the most damage to it? Or is the only thing stopping us from happy and fulfilled lives on all levels our own fears?