Soulmates or Love at First Sight?

I know I have said that love is a lot of things but it is never uncertain. I strongly believe that. I know that once you meet your soul mate, the one person you are destined for, etc…..your heart will know it. Something special always happens inside you. The difference is whether or not our brains get involved and we dismiss it because it is illogical to feel something for a person you just met and you do not know. I know I am the poster child for this….if my brain cannot understand the concept it will fight it. So, how is it possible that you know you are looking into the eyes of your soul mate? It is very simple. Your heart and spirit “just know”….they know who their kindred spirit is at an instant. In this one case it is your brain that refuses to acknowledge. We are built to think and reason. Feelings are tertiary in our everyday handling life. In this context, feelings refers to heart-generated emotions. Another words, your heart does not need to get involved when you are going through the drive thru at Starbucks. So, it makes perfect sense that the minute you meet someone, your heart raises a red flag and you stand there in dumb/silent mode because you aren’t sure of what to say because you don’t comprehend your feelings.

I went through that a little while ago. I was minding my own business and bumped into someone. Now, I am the poster child for logic, so I completely ignored what it was that I was feeling and decided to ponder on it later. The only problem with that was I couldn’t get this man off my mind. It was maddening how easily my mind would wonder back to him. It made no sense. I knew nothing about this man. So, I went to the most reasonable explanation…there was something wrong with me. Of course, there has to be. It is completely unreasonable that I would react in that way towards a man I just met. Or is it? We have all gone through relationships both personal and professional and to be honest, you know almost instantly how you will get along with that person and what your feelings are. I remember reading somewhere that your first reaction is typically the correct one. While I strongly believe this to be true, I was having a very hard time believing this to be true in this case.

It feels as though your heart has betrayed you and you cannot make rhyme or reason as to why. How is it possible to meet someone for less than 10 minutes, exchange a few words and the wretched organ that is your heart immediately takes flight, butterflies start to flutter in your stomach and you realize you have an arrow in your butt sent by Cupid himself. Impossible as it may seem it does happen. The one thing that I never expected. I have never experienced that type of feeling with anyone else, so rightly so I was confused and didn’t know what to think. But this man consumed my thoughts for what seemed an eternity, although it was only a few days. I decided that something was wrong with me, I was having an off day, as we all do and ignored it. That worked just fine for me. I lived in a daze and somewhat confusion at not being able to rationalize what specifically was happening. While I was doing a great job at ignoring it all, I still found my mind wandering off to him over and over. The annoyance of those thoughts only served to solidify my determination at feigning ignorance.

I continued on my way, annoyed and daily dismissal of thoughts about this man for about a month or so. Then it happened. He sent me a message one day and completely out of the blue. I was thrown in complete panic mode. The heart leapt, stomach went sour and I was so nervous I could barely respond. Of course, against my better judgment I did respond. The rawness of emotion subsided. We chatted for a bit and I was now in the mindset that it was my imagination and we were friends. I soothe my mind into believing this lie. At the time I did not know I was lying to myself. So we became fast friends but kept an electronic distance. This also worked for a time until he asked me out. Yes, my biggest nightmare…the man who made me weak in the knees had finally asked me out. My diplomatic side couldn’t imagine saying no; after all we were friends, so before I could think straight I had agreed to go.

After getting all the advice I could on why I felt the way I did, the day finally came and I was ready. We met up and went out to eat. I was truly hoping for my logical side to be right, but alas, it was not. The moment I laid eyes on him every tumultuous feeling I had had came back in full force. Then he smiled and it was over. The night went on just fine, but I was barely grappling for sanity.

So, to answer the age old question whether or not love at first sight happens…..I don’t think so. Another words I do not believe it is just that. However, I do believe that your heart knows when you meet the one. Kindred spirits will recognize each other anywhere and anytime, regardless how much you may fight it. I know I have tried and still to some degree am. Back and forth, tug of war in a friendship that just seems to tense to be just that. I have walked away and vice versa. We fought this tooth and nail for what seems since day one. Regardless of what we do we still end up back to each other.  No matter how long we have been apart, once reconnected we pick up where we left off. The only problem seems to be the intensity with which the attraction grows and the difficulty in maintaining the boundaries originally set. So we run…away from each other, away from the world. It doesn’t help it any.

The dilemma is simply this…how do you move one and get away when your own heart fights you at every turn? How do you go from the strongest connection ever to nothing without encountering pain and disappointment? I have no answers. The learning process is very difficult. However, more so how do you ever look at the person who is your soul mate when the person has broken every ounce of trust ever afforded. I’m not sure I can even maintain a friendship, let alone anything more. Although I have forgiven, I haven’t forgotten and the mistrust burns ever presently in the forefront of all my thoughts. Is it possible to walk away from your kindred spirit, your soul mate? If you can, will you ever meet another or are we destined to have only one?