Chasm's of the Heart

I know I have previously brought up that one’s heart is a deep and solemn chasm much like the Bastille once was. It has numerous rooms each carrying a memory or experience which changed the heart in one way shape or form. Some rooms are more painful than others while some can truly be a happy experience. Either way one looks at it, both are lessons learned and experiences which make you who you are today. The main question s whether or not you want to face those rooms and move on or if you are like me and simply barricade them living a superfluous life in the lie that the doors will never open.

I have been for the longest time shoving all my past, feelings, and emotions under the proverbial rug. I did so happily because there was never a reason for my having to dig into those memories and I knew I would never come across or rather allow myself to come across any situation which would throw open the gates of my personal hell and torment. So there I was being superwoman thinking my efforts to clean up by throwing stuff under the rug would work for me. I did for a long time. However, my pretty land of make believe ended, as all situations must and always do have an ending to them and we are forced to move that rig and look at the dirt.

Once one realizes that they must face those demons, you slowly but surely start to open the doors in the prison one by one. The top floors or those with less pain you find you can work through easier. The burden of carrying the load gets easier and you get happier. So then you stop and think the rest you can deal with. While that does hold true for a while, life happens and you are hit with curveballs. We can avoid some of the hits, but eventually one will come close to home. When that does happen, the gateways of the Bastille open and if you have been like me, sweeping under the rug, it is not very pretty effect. Your mind immediately wanders to the last similar incident and bells and whistles go screeching on and slowly but surely your fear level goes up. The problem with that is simply that we equate the new issue or happenstance with one from the past. I’ve done that myself. I go out with friends and depending on what is going on in their life may take to drinking more than they normally would.  One I see someone that drunk, I can’t help but feel seething anger as it reflects back to my childhood. Although I fully well know that it is not the same circumstance or people….because I haven’t released that prisoner from the Bastille it’s still there, mockingly a sharp reminder.

While in one aspect I still believe that having the proverbial Bastille in one’s heart is good. It teaches and serves as a reminder of the past, since no matter how bad or good it was; it is the foundation you are today. So, it is a good reminder. I know it has helped me build myself and also work on areas I didn’t like about myself. But the process isn’t pretty. My alarm bells consistently go off with certain issues and no, I have no intention of facing them anytime soon. Why? Because I am as much of a brat as the next person. I still stomp and kick my feet. I don’t want to face it.

So, how does one clean out and release the prisoners of old and painful memories from the Bastille? It is a rather simple solution. You must face them and do so before some agonizing situation slaps you in the face and you have no choice in the matter. When the issue comes up then it is much more difficult to face because not only are you struggling with the matter at hand, but you bring in prisoner 54, cell block A and it can cloud your judgment and decision. I have found myself a lot of times making a hard decision and when I look at all the facts, I found that a lot was “assumption” based on previous memories or issues. While using experience and historical data in and of itself is not a bad thing, no two relationships or problems are ever the same.

In the realm of honesty, I have cleaned out most of the prisoners. I have one deeply embedded rows of memories which I despise thinking about, never mind facing. Although I have forgiven every incident, it still comes back to haunt me. It was never an issue until recently. I know I am not alone when I say that one particular issue in life seems to be a broken record. No matter how hard I try to dismiss and walk away, it comes back to haunt me. I know it’s because I haven’t dealt with it.  That same reason is why I cannot seem to release the last of my own prisoners. It is like a disease that runs rampant and then subsides…when you least expect it, it comes back. Eventually, the disease overtakes. Therefore, I fully know that in order for me to move on and make sound decisions, I must face and release my past. Easier said than done.