Nightmares and Fears Redefined

The nightmare begins because the demons I thought I had packed up and put away by throwing away the key are back. I thought I was over it. Shoot, I would have sworn I was over it. I am happiest being alone with just my daughter through these years and I never thought that was an issue. Well apparently it is. That frame of mind is apparently abnormal. I wasn’t aware of this since I never talked to anyone about it. I assumed it was a bad childhood, I’m done and move on. I did…my emotions did not. 

So why the poltergeist effect you ask? Well, remember in the last posting I said I have a fiancée…..obviously that means groups, parties, holidays and family. Thoughts which would give someone warm fuzzies and love of family. Well….that puts me in complete panic mode. I’m in fight or flight. Its like telling me I will be tortured for a year and I better enjoy it. So the more I have to face it the more panic I am in. The thought terrifies me more than anything else in this world. Why? I really don’t know.

I have come to realize I have a lot of anger, hatred, resentment, etc….in general. I feel like I have been robbed of a childhood or normal family and I’m not sure that I want one now or even to be part of one. It seems as though it is a constant reminder of not only my failures but the things I will never have and never did because I lived life in a dysfunctional way and simply didn’t know it. I cannot rewind the clock of life, much to my dismay, so what happens now? How does one cope with feelings of hate, anger and resentment when one doesn’t even realize the root of their cause. I get that it is from my own childhood but how does one deal with the demons when the emotion is crippling? I cannot bury the feelings like I used to….not if I plan on making this relationship work. Do I live a lie and bite back tears and negative emotion and hide it all under a smile? 

I come from a place where your parents are your parents no matter what. When I think about talking to my mother about it I feel pangs of guilt. Although she is now a sober, she is in every essence a dry drunk. The only difference is that she no longer passes out drunk. She is just as mean, crippling and hurtful as she always was. More so in trying to ruin my relationship. I know she despises me greatly, but then why should she care what I do? I’m confused, hurt and feeling completely helpless. What’s worse is that people do not and cannot understand where I am coming from. My childhood has always been my darkest secret and I haven’t told anyone the details of it. People still think I’m nuts because I still jump when a door slams. When a person is angry I can feel my hairs go up and fear kicks in. I’m not over it by far nor have I dealt with it. 

So, how does one deal with family, blended and otherwise when one cannot get past dealing with their mom or the demons of their childhood? I am almost 40 and my mother still belittles me, wishes I wasn’t her child, etc to this day. I forgave her a long time ago. I forgave her and my father for my sake, but the pain still burns within. I thought that part of my life was over with. I was wrong. The demons have been awakened simply because the man I love has a family and wants me to participate in certain events. My first response is to run. The thought of being a part of any of it terrifies me to no end. But then again he does not share my fears. He is a better person than I. He jumped in and is building a relationship with my daughter. I am grateful for that and guilt ridden that there is no way I will ever be able to do that for him. Think about it this way...his greatest desires are my greatest fears. Its a leap of faith versus willingness for loss.

So, what does one do in this case? Counseling? Support groups? Writing about it? I don’t know. I am between a rock and a hard place and am afraid to make a move because my world will shatter. Although in that same breath….when my world was shattered I was better. If anyone has any ideas on coping, please let me know. I feel as though I am too old to keep running but can’t fathom facing my fears either. After all, the people I trusted, the ones that were supposed to protect and love me and guide me left me to wander this life alone and belittled me for not being perfect. Therefore, I am not good enough to have what society labels a normal life. Can you imagine the size of the mountain I have to climb between this and blended family?