Fears grow and love is lost



Love is sometimes this thin, graceful cloak that is supposed to envelope you, protect, dry your tears, dissipate your fears and make the world more bearable. It is a feeling of peace and comfort that makes ones heart feel like it is floating on clouds. It is an awesome feeling regardless of what form it comes in, puppy love, mature love it doesn’t matter the butterflies and love is the same all around. I know as I used to feel this way. Completely encompassed in loves graceful arms. 

What happens if through no direct fault of your own that thin veil that should be as strong as titanium starts to tear? When your fairytale dream comes to a screeching halt and you don’t know if it will ever be the same. I’m sure most of you assume I am talking about cheating or some other sort of infidelity, but I assure you I am not. The monster in this case is me. Yes, me, myself and I. I have come to realize that being an adult child of alcoholics brings a lot more to life than one could ever imagine. The closer your relationships get, the worse the monster is. Every fear and issue I have had no matter how minor is magnified tremendously. 

You stand there alone and confused and wonder what happened to your once good life. I waited years to find the right one and now I find I am pushing the right one away. Why would anyone seemingly push away a perfectly good life you ask yourself? The demons of my past have become nightmares of my present. They have somehow made me forget compassion and mercy and unconditional love. I have hurt the man I love and pulled away so much we are complete strangers it seems. Nothing feels the same, tastes the same or even looks the same. I am depressed more days then not and can’t seem to figure my way out of a wet paper bag due to my stress. 

Is love powerful enough to conquer all? I don’t know the answer to that. I have always been one to doubt love as a whole. Society has completely ruined the theory of it for me. It has become non-existent. Love now has a price tag. Therefore, I almost thought I found the right one, the one who understood that it should be unconditional and without a price. Apparently I was wrong. My original conclusion stands.

So, as I write this each eye has its own tear and my heart sinks deeper into the black void it was to begin with. I know consciously that one’s choices in life are their own and I made mine, but I cannot seem to bring myself out and not build resentment and anger without just cause…..and yet I do. I am deeply wounded and scarred from my past and love for me is not enough to heal. So I push it away. Sometimes the coldest place to be is in the arms of whom you love or who loves you. It is for me at this point. My heart sinks deeper into the bottomless void that is timeless and without mercy. It is torn with every drop into the dark abyss and yet I am powerless to stop it. I chance losing love because my fears, resentment and anger are too great.

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