Thoughts



It has been a long while since I posted anything here and I think that may have been to my detriment. My not posting has had me keeping everything to myself and inside. That fault is not a healthy one for me or anyone else. A lot has happened since I last wrote. I have discovered more about myself than I ever knew possible. 

First and foremost, being an adult child of alcoholics brings a whole new realm of problems into my current life. I have learned that I have resentment that I have been holding in and putting on the shoulders of my best friend and lover. I pushed that ticket so far, I almost ruined our relationship completely. While I admit this knowledge and discovery to myself, I have not admitted it to him and am nowhere near ready to. Not yet anyways. I am unfortunately the type that needs to work things out in my own head before I present an idea or thought to anyone else. After all, if I haven’t figured it out how can I possibly defend the idea to anyone.

I have also discovered that the skeletons of my childhood continue to haunt me on a daily basis. Having been the enabler and adult all throughout my childhood, I never really got to have a childhood. Then as an adult all I wanted was out of the relationship at any cost. That strong drive and desire has put me in a position to be left out of a lot of things most people take for granted such as the fairytale life of college, then marriage, then children. I now wake up at almost 40 and look back with nothing but regret.  The things I once wanted like another child I have had to sacrifice to be where I am now. The resentment that came with that is pinpointed towards anyone, anywhere that could possibly have anything to do with a child in any respect. I take things to heart much more so than I normally would have and that has also proven to be very bad for my relationship and state of being.

What does one do when one is forced to sacrifice everything one wants for someone else completely. A promise of love? Love to me is something that does not exist, or rather I never thought it did. While I have found it. I love the man in my life with all of my heart and more. Sadly, while my resentment seeps through he has begun to question that love and whether or not it is true. The plans we once had are now gone and we are trying to work on it and hang on. So that leaves one question that begs an answer almost instantly….to what degree can love heal a broken heart and a wounded soul? I wish I had the answer.

The bottom line in my life right now is to work through it and decide if a sacrifice is worth the commitment. When we are angry and stuck in our own minds and feelings we fail to see the other persons perspective. I know when my walls go up in fear and resentment, I can see no further than the pain I am feeling and my lips will utter unforgivable words just to make the pain better and lighter for myself. It is only in the aftermath that I realize the damage I have done. 

I am a runner by nature. I run and escape the problems of fear, resentment and everyday life. It is what I did from the minute I hit 18 and am still doing it. I can confidently say it is tiring. I long to find home and heart without any of the negative baggage I carry. Is that possible? Is finding a fairytale at this stage of life even a close possibility? I don’t know….but I will begin to put my thoughts out here more and more and see what happens.  

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