Uncensored Heart

What happens when what we want most is also the biggest fear we have? Do we put our trust and faith in and jump or do we turn and run in the other direction? I am on the see saw of not knowing and no knowledge. The path to indecisiveness can be torture. The only difference here is the consequences of a what if can be major. When you face the biggest potential loss of a lifetime there is no recourse, no tough breaks, it’s gone. I have in this case been faced with a situation in which my heart has been given and yet I still want to claim it. My brain refuses to acknowledge that my heart no longer is mine to give. Yet, I still sit in complete and utter contemplation fearing the outcome regardless of which way it seems to go. My one biggest fear maybe staring me in the face and I want it in all of its glory and magnificence and yet it is also my biggest nightmare. I have woken up from a deep sleep in terrors over it. While I know and fully comprehend that this fear of mine is irrati...

Today I have a rather comical story to share. I’m sure you all remember my kicking and screaming battles with my own spiritual journey and how I never quite could understand why our Heavenly Father saw fit to throw a boomerang from my past into my life now after the loss I am still at times struggling with. Does he not understand I am struggling and not sure I ever want to open myself up ever again to either human or animal. So, as I contemplate these very thoughts and feelings both with myself and my best friend (who I thank daily for allowing me to vent my fears and albeit at times crazy ideas) I was very tossed up. My solace is now my commute to work. It is the only place I am alone with no one but God to hear and listen to my rantings. This one morning, however, I was not alone. I was driving a friend in with me, who for lack of better wording, does not understand me or respect my desires and feelings. This of course annoyed me to no end and since I am not done in my previou...

Do we ever truly learn from our mistakes? I used to be a major advocate that human nature and experience would teach us as individuals to learn from our mistakes and be able to not repeat our past. I also used to be a firm believer that we could all make a difference and learn to be happy and live with some semblance of peace in our hearts and lives. I’m not sure I believe that anymore. I also used to believe that we as a race would learn to be and be better people. That I know I don’t believe anymore. It seems hearts have grown colder and darker with time. Everyone seems to be out for a mission…unfortunately one that only benefits themselves. I know I may sound like a broken record in this thought, however, I have what I believe in my heart of hearts to be proof positive, if only to myself. A few years ago I allowed myself to feel. Yes, that disgusting emotion that threatens to over run your life and wreak havoc in every aspect. The wretched organ gets involved and before your ...

I have had some relatively major life events happen of late and it got me to realize that love and pain are one and the same. To truly and deeply feel love, one must feel the pain that comes with it. We open our hearts and minds to love and allow ourselves to hit that utter vulnerability where one walks on clouds. What we fail to remember is that clouds are never solid. We fall through them and wake up in what seems a nightmare, where any and all of what you held true in your heart seems a mere fog effect. It seems as though you woke up in the middle of a Broadway show where you are the actress or actor and the screenplay which you started in love is no more. So, what do we do in these cases? I, for one, left my spiritual self and went into a very deep black hole. I was full of anger and hate. I wanted to throw everything out and break every piece of furniture, clothing, windows, whatever until the seething hate I was feeling would go away. I didn’t and couldn’t. So I allowed th...

Another beautiful piece so eloquently written and a reminder to us all why we wake up and move on through our day, everyday...regardless of heart break, pain, loss and any other evils that await.     I've dreamed many dreams that never came true, I've seen them vanish at dawn, But I've realized enough of my dreams, thank God, To make me to want to dream on. I've prayed many prayers when no answer came Though I waited patient and long, But answers have come to enough of my prayers To make me keep praying on. I've trusted many a friend that failed, And left me to weep alone, But I've found enough of my friends true blue, To make me keep trusting on. I've sown many a seed that fell by the way For the birds to feed upon, But I've held enough golden sheaves in my hands To make me keep sowing on. I've drained the cup of disappointment and pain And gone many days without song, But I've sipped enough nectar from the roses ...

This is one of the most beautiful pieces I have ever read. Also one that makes one realize life and all its glory.     Sometimes life seems hard to bear, Full or sorrow, trouble, and woe, It’s then I have to remember, That it’s in the valleys I grow If I always stayed on the mountain top, And never experienced pain, I would never appreciate God’s love, And would be living in vain ... I have so much to learn, And my growth is very slow, Sometimes I need the mountain tops, But it’s in the valleys I grow I do not always understand, Why things happen as they do, But I am very sure of one thing, My Lord will see me through My little valleys are nothing, When I picture Christ on the cross, He went through the valley of death, His victory was Satan’s loss Forgive me Lord, for complaining, When I’m feeling very low, Just give me a gentle reminder, That it’s in the valley I grow Continue to strengthen me Lord, And use my life each day, To share yo...