Needs versus Wants


Today I have a rather comical story to share. I’m sure you all remember my kicking and screaming battles with my own spiritual journey and how I never quite could understand why our Heavenly Father saw fit to throw a boomerang from my past into my life now after the loss I am still at times struggling with. Does he not understand I am struggling and not sure I ever want to open myself up ever again to either human or animal. So, as I contemplate these very thoughts and feelings both with myself and my best friend (who I thank daily for allowing me to vent my fears and albeit at times crazy ideas) I was very tossed up.

My solace is now my commute to work. It is the only place I am alone with no one but God to hear and listen to my rantings. This one morning, however, I was not alone. I was driving a friend in with me, who for lack of better wording, does not understand me or respect my desires and feelings. This of course annoyed me to no end and since I am not done in my previous struggle, I tend to fire up rather quickly. Needless to say by the time I got to dropping the other person off I was not myself and quite irritated. Then my phone goes off. The inevitable text from my past has now come back to haunt me. I must admit I was not really paying close attention to my conversation that morning and wound up somehow being involved in a relationship I was not aware even existed.

Enter my Heavenly Father. While I don’t think I am an idiot, I managed to completely not notice my agreement on being in a committed relationship with a man that scares me and brings out all my fears. Comically enough, it was about 10 minutes past the ending of that conversation that it hit me. Well that and telling my best friend what happened and his immediate response being “congrats, you have a boyfriend”. No, I have not made amends with it, never mind actual acceptance. Most of us find ourselves on the ship floating down the river “De’Nile” when we choose to fight against things in our lives. I happily upgraded to a submarine (yes, I am also aware that I will not get far in this, since God always has a way of bringing us to ourselves) but the battle wages on.

So, I am now in a completely new chapter in my life waiting patiently to see what God brings into it. Amazing how normally witty and focused people completely lose themselves for God’s purpose; this is one thing I was certainly not looking for or wanting, especially at this stage in my life….however….I’m sure God knows what I need in my life and heart. The healing begins through rather comical and unbeknownst tugging and turning of the heart strings. Although this aspect completely brings about a whole new realm of fears, which ashamedly I have buried deep within not ever thinking I would have to deal with again.   

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