Grief

I have had some relatively major life events happen of late and it got me to realize that love and pain are one and the same. To truly and deeply feel love, one must feel the pain that comes with it. We open our hearts and minds to love and allow ourselves to hit that utter vulnerability where one walks on clouds. What we fail to remember is that clouds are never solid. We fall through them and wake up in what seems a nightmare, where any and all of what you held true in your heart seems a mere fog effect. It seems as though you woke up in the middle of a Broadway show where you are the actress or actor and the screenplay which you started in love is no more.

So, what do we do in these cases? I, for one, left my spiritual self and went into a very deep black hole. I was full of anger and hate. I wanted to throw everything out and break every piece of furniture, clothing, windows, whatever until the seething hate I was feeling would go away. I didn’t and couldn’t. So I allowed the feeling to ferment within, I broke friendships and walked away from people for the mere fact that I couldn’t help but feel rage that their life was not as torn up or in such disarray as mine was shaping out to be.

One day driving to work, all alone in the car, trying to blind out my feelings in music; I was trying to lose myself in music and not think, because when the brain enters any picture it is never a good thing. Certain things are emotional while others are logical. It seems like the old Ghostbusters movie in the scene where they are advised not to cross the streams as it could be very dangerous. Well, crossing mind and heart has practically the same effect. I then started wondering how I was ever going to get through or rather push through this seething hate and anger I was feeling. The answer would not come. I finally threw both out the window and started a fresh new aspect.

The new aspect had me feeling, really allowing myself to be engulfed in everything I was feeling. It was not the most pleasant experience as I am not mean by nature. Engulfed in the dark void we call negative emotions, I felt like I was being ripped apart. Then on that same car ride, I realized I was grieving. Yes, grieving deeply and I couldn’t see beyond my anger. I did not, however, feel any regret for the feelings, I felt good that I actually came to terms with their root cause. I lost my best. The one thing in life that loved me unconditionally and that had my heart completely. The one I could trust implicitly and without regret; hence my void.

So, what does one do when life seems impossible and every decision you made seems in vain and selfish? The smart person would stop, evaluate and work through it. I am not that smart person. I chose to attempt putting a bandaid on it. This temporary fix not only did not work, but it ripped open the dam of immense feelings. Things I was burying deep down for years all of a sudden re-emerged and I felt them stronger than ever. So, I am now at the cross roads of do I take a chance and follow my heart completely (yes, the wretched organ that you cannot manipulate) and allow things to fall into place or do I run into a titanium bomb shelter, take cover, cover my ears and start chanting “lalalla” in the hopes that it was my imagination and it will go away? At the moment I am digging the shelter, although admittedly not as fervently as I did once before. My decision in this is still in the air and my fear is rising. How many chances do you give your heart to break before never allowing it out again?