To love or not to Love


What happens when what we want most is also the biggest fear we have? Do we put our trust and faith in and jump or do we turn and run in the other direction? I am on the see saw of not knowing and no knowledge. The path to indecisiveness can be torture. The only difference here is the consequences of a what if can be major. When you face the biggest potential loss of a lifetime there is no recourse, no tough breaks, it’s gone. I have in this case been faced with a situation in which my heart has been given and yet I still want to claim it. My brain refuses to acknowledge that my heart no longer is mine to give. Yet, I still sit in complete and utter contemplation fearing the outcome regardless of which way it seems to go.

My one biggest fear maybe staring me in the face and I want it in all of its glory and magnificence and yet it is also my biggest nightmare. I have woken up from a deep sleep in terrors over it. While I know and fully comprehend that this fear of mine is irrational, it is still based on valid and poignant facts that I have come across in my life and at this moment am unwilling to let go of. This fear is one of love. I am afraid to let go and love or even allow anyone to love me back. Why? It seems everything and/or everyone I love or allow to love me I seem to lose. I don’t mean in a breakup simply…..I’ve lost them to death or of my own self sabotage. No matter how desperately I want peace in my life I can never seem to run far enough or fast enough away from this demon called love. My alternative or fix for this? I shut down and bury myself in a titanium plated and cemented hole and refuse to come out or acknowledge. That is also what I am doing now.

There is a man who wants to love me in every conceivable way and I won’t let him. The sad part in this is my fear not only prevents his loving me, it also prevents my loving him. This fear hurts me and also can hurt him. While I am rational and know this…..I cannot help but be fearful nonetheless. So I am avoiding the topic and any and all possible “talk” in that direction. Hopefully, this can go on and be worked on and solved before I break 2 hearts and ruin the potential of experiencing the love of a lifetime …. Since this man has had my heart for 12 years and counting. We have run from each other every time we got to where we are now….except now he is running towards me open arms and I’m terrified.

This problem remains a constant and hopefully I will have the answers before I destroy 2 people with my fear.

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