Bunny Boiler!!

So you find yourself in a new relationship. Everything is great, you love your significant other and they love you. You have gotten past the discomfort of the “newness” of the relationship and have found your groove with the other person. The relationship is progressing nicely and you are now in contemplation of marriage. Yay, you! So now why on Earth are you so glum? Life is perfect, you won over your princess/prince and you are getting what you want…the person to be yours forever. Yet, you wake up not the bubbly bride or groom to be. Cold feet? No. You have examined yourself and your feelings and are very sure of where you are in life, where you are going and what you want. The relationship feels so right.

Until now. Now you pick fights or are short in conversations and you find yourself constantly annoyed or irritated. You are mad that your partner doesn’t understand and want to choke them because your anger fuels. How can they understand what your feeling when you don’t? Then it hits you.

You ire goes up when someone brings up “wedding”. That seems to be your trigger point and when you dive deeper into resentment and anger. Why? Because it’s a major event that reminds you of your ex’s past. You probably don’t feel so good about yourself and now you get to be the center of attention with everyone who did the first round. Panic starts. How are you ever going to do this? You are so different from your partners ex, so how do you look as good, be as good or successful….and before you know it….you don’t wanna do it anymore. Sadly enough your partner doesn’t even know any of this is happening because it is all in your head. It is imagined there and you keep it to yourself. The problem is that when there is no outlet and you don’t deal with it…it spills into other aspects of your relationship and life and before you know it, you are enveloped in hate, resentment and misery.

So what do you do? Well, three options…first you can work on your issues, second keep it to yourself and live in complete and utter misery or three walk away. What you need to decide is if that person is worth it to you. Will you mourn their loss? 

While anger is a healthy emotion….it must be controlled. Uncontrolled anger makes your mouth speak before your brain can object. You turn into an ugly, passionless and miserable person. That will spill into the relationship. I promise you that. Willingly or otherwise your body language changes and your partner will notice. Guess what happens next? They will ask whats wrong and the bunny boiler whistles and you are hoppin mad. Mind you…your partner has done nothing wrong at this point but will most assuredly fight venom with venom and you have accomplished your greatest fear….a break up. 

I think before worrying about measuring up to your partners ex, memories, persona….try and measure up to your own. Who are you? What do you want? Now I will be the first to tell you that if you share these feelings of inadequacy with family, friends etc….chances are they will tell you that you are a bunny boiler of envy and jealousy and you need to get over it. Helpful, right? NOT.

No one but you knows why the feeling of never good enough or pretty enough is haunting you. For some of us its self esteem, for some its learned behavior from childhood and for some it’s a competitive streak they have. Regardless of which it is…it is, it can be very toxic. If you are like some, you have a titanium wall around you and everyone remains at arms length away so your wound doesn’t matter…if that’s the case please let your partner go. If you know deep down you don’t wanna work on it and deal with it release them because they do not deserve the venom from your issues. Yes…yours. The problem belongs to you not them.  Jealousy and resentment can kill a relationship before you even know what hit you. It is a silent, deadly killer. By the time you realize what is happening, its too late and the relationship has degraded. On the other hand, if you recognize it and you know deep down its salvageable then go and talk to your partner. Even still, be prepared that he or she may still choose to walk away. It is their prerogative. They have the right to not compromise.

Buckle down and be prepared for whatever the choice is that you make or your partner makes.

Be sure to be fair to both you and your partner. It takes two to have a relationship…not 1 (just you) or 3 (you, your partner and their ex). It is a difficult choice to make because bunny boiler emotions are hard to control and facing yourself is even harder.