Soul Mates?

Do we have a soul mate? I have been reading and pondering on this all day. I have read many articles on people’s idea of soul mates in general and yeah…let’s not go into that. So, let’s just go to the basics…do we have a soul mate on this earth?

I personally do not believe there is such a thing. I know our soul mates are those who share our path, our spirituality of sacrifice and our oblation. That is a soul mate. One who shares with you something much richer than selfish love. Yes, selfish. Why? We as humans are fickle. What makes us happy this week is meaningless the next. We are slaves to our temptations and yet swear we truly love. How can you truly love someone when you turn your head from the beggar on the street or pretend you are deaf? How can you know what love is if you have never given it? No, most of us have not given it. Not in its purest form. We give with an expectation to receive and then we complain that what we received is not enough. More, more, more. I once heard that to truly love you must allow yourself to be put in a position of complete submission and vulnerability to the one person that you love. In lamans terms, you must be willing to be hurt. How many of us do that? Be honest. (hint: your boyfriend or girlfriend not calling when they said they would does not mean you are vulnerable and submissive, just means you are impatient). 

For most of you that do not know, I am engaged. I am supposed to marry the man I love and the one that loves me completely. I will also tell you that this same person has hurt me worse than any other person in my life. Am I still engaged? Yes. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. So much so I would lay down my life for him in an instant. He is the love of a lifetime (sorry, I know its cliché). Love and pain go hand in hand. You must love, grow, and it is not all roses and rainbows. True love is not this romantic fairytale. It is founded in pain, growth and love as one joined in Christ. Notice I said in Christ, not joined together as soul mates. The whole belief in this soul mate stuff and others being our “fulfillment, joy, etc…” let’s look at the divorce rates then. Why are they so high? Because we take vows that are for ourselves. Love is sacrificial. It is not for our own personal gain. When love hurts and makes you question, that’s when its right. The truly right person for us is the one who makes us uncomfortable and makes us want to reach for better. I don’t want someone who is going to pat me on the head and tell me what I want to hear. I’m not a pet. I want someone who challenges me to be better and grow both in Christ and in the love given and received. Now, be careful as real love is not about self-actualization and self-discovery…that you can get in therapy. “Real love requires the Cross of Christ, because God is love. This is the tough stuff: we don’t want sacrifice, we want romanticism instead. A person who is set only on romantic love will never find true love. The romantic is ultimately the sad, melancholic figure at the edge of a cliff watching the crashing of the sea far below.”

True love is only found when we move outside of ourselves and willingly, deliberately offer ourselves to someone else. Without the expectation that you should get something in return. In modern relationships, especially marriage we celebrate romanticism and narcissism. Yes, I said it and I meant it. I have read and heard some vows that proclaim the complete opposite of love. Thank God we do not write our own in the Orthodox church. I mean why not vow to die for the other everyday and submit to your husband or wife until God gives you breath? Why don’t we vow that? Granted it may not wow them at Hallmark, but you would at least vow love, not romanticism. Sentimentality goes hand in hand with this distorted notion of love and romanticism, because it is simply the syrupy side of self-love. It makes me feel good. To wit, if we were honestly Christian we would have to reply, “I’m sure Christ didn’t feel too good on the Cross, but he called that love. What do your feelings have to do with it?

So back to my soul mate question…do they exist? Well, after reading my thoughts, I hope I got some people at least thinking about it. Soul mates are people who join us in the spirituality of sacrifice and oblation. This is done sacramentally and mystically in the Church and in our everyday lives. These two become true soul mates, for their souls are directed together in the Cross which leads to suffering, death and resurrection. 

There is no time frame on when this awakening happens. I am pushing 40 years old and only of recent found someone I truly love to the depth of my core. However, when it happens, I promise that the feeling is unlike any other. I know that very well as even in the midst of our biggest or meanest or most insulting fights, I still would have laid my life down for him without a second thought. Our anger does not makes us who we are, but taming the tongue at times would greatly help in our relationships with others. 

So in short true love and soul mates are not connected in my mind. Soul mates are a figment of Hallmark marketing while love is the Cross embraced personally for someone other than myself. That is not an easy task. It is a struggle to do it. However, in the end we may be better off not only as people but also in our relationships. We may not be part of the statistics in the divorce rates. Love is a sacrifice. It is not about self-fulfillment or about your own gain.