Inner Battles

White washed temples with rotted bones on the inside is a term I never thought I would use to describe humanity at this stage and yet I am forced by daily experiences to do just that. We come across a variety of people in our lives that cross our path for one reason or another. Some remain passing acquaintances while others hold the power to affect our lives in profound ways. They are all learning experiences in one way or another. Unfortunately, the world has become so materialistic in its most simple everyday lives that people no longer maintain “humanity” as their belief or goal. It is truly sad and enraging depending on the circumstances.

My own personal experience affected me profoundly and on so many levels, I’ve lost sight of myself. I developed a friendship which turned into more with time. While I take accountability in allowing it to go there myself, I am not the sole blame for the ending. This was a person I had a lot of respect for and I thought I knew him for who he truly was. I was basing this knowledge on conversations, time spent together, actions, etc. As most people do, I used my own intuition in this as well. In the past I have been a pretty good judge of character, so I assumed I was right. After all, there was no reason for this man to lie to me, there was no gain or loss, and since the platonic bridge had been crossed the typical male response to get what he wants was not needed either. One day an event crossed both of our paths and affected us both. I thought I knew or at least had a good inkling of the reaction, given others had also agreed with my perspective of him. I had no reason to falter in this….or so I thought.

This event not only changed my perspective on life and in general, it scared me to no end. I went to him in the spirit of honesty, assuming I knew who I was dealing with. I have never been so wrong in my assumption. It went from the person I thought I knew to this stranger…and not just a simple stranger but rather one seemingly filled with hate and anger. I was shocked and being the human with full inequities I lashed out as well. Needless to say when faced with two people that equally lash out at each other nothing good ever comes of it. While the anger gives you justification, that feeling is short lived. Once it abates you are left with an empty void cursing yourself for allowing it to go there. Accountability still remains a major factor though.

In bringing back the white washed temples with rotted bones on the inside, this person fills that theory very well. I realize that now, however, it does not by a long shot make it any better. Resentment, anger and regret ring in my mind and heart daily. How could I have been so absolutely wrong? Could it be that I was so enthralled with the outside packaging that my mind created someone that wasn’t true? This person seemed one way on the outside or rather the side he brought to me, while in truth was completely different. I’m not sure which way to go at this point in my thinking. That is my own battle, however, the war in this wages on and it happens to all of us. It brings us to the brink of insanity and anger, but worst of all it brings a spirit of mistrust. So much so, that you end up not trusting anyone you meet and despising humanity as a whole. I am not there as I still have compassion and selflessness in me, however, I do have plenty of friends who embody that mistrust. Given my own experience in this I can’t rightly say that I blame them. I was very close to that precipice myself. I am still not completely sure that I’m not lying to myself in that belief of not being there. I have reached a point where I want to shut down completely and never allow anyone to ever get that close. This belief and practice leads to a very lonesome life.

I saw a saying recently that went something along the lines of…”the true battle is between what you think and what you feel”. How true a sentence. That is a constant within everyone. Your brain tells you one thing and yet the wretched organ feels something completely different. The end result is a lack of patience and inner turmoil, accompanied with a side of stasis. That is where I am currently. My brain is steady and decisive while the heart wants what it wants and is kicking a screaming much like a toddler throwing a tantrum. How do we get through this and make a steadfast decision we can live with? I am not sure as yet, since I can’t even win the battle within myself. Is there ever a way to where both the brain and heart win or at least agree and one is not left shattered and mistrusting?