Self Service

Adversity seems to be the theme of one’s life. It seems at times that no matter how hard one tries or strives to achieve at least middle ground it is torn to shreds. You talk yourself through hard times and sacrifice to make it work so that those around you will never have to see the true pain and torment that one goes through. After all, we cannot open ourselves up to who we really are for fear that people will either not understand or judge us prematurely. I woke up this morning in a rather odd mood. While I am not sad or depressed, reality hits me to the core. The one part I can’t understand and I doubt I ever could is how can a reasonably intelligent person end up in predicaments of the heart that threaten to shred every last bit of who you are.

So, I lay here and ponder the existence and paths of everyday people and wonder how one ever knows their destined path. Do we go through and kind of feel our way through? Do we shoot for the stars blindly and hope we aren’t martyrs for a cause we know nothing about? Adversity hits from every aspect and in every nook of one’s life and throughout their life. The lesson is how to get through it and still be yourself, in one piece and intact. I sadly, have not figured that out. While I have no issues going through it and striving, at times, to impossible perfection levels….I admit that I am shredded. I am completely broken in pieces and although I know this fact I haven’t got a clue how to pick up the pieces and move on. It is like you are watching a movie, where you are the main character and you are watching life fall apart in pieces and you have no idea or control over it. You sit there helplessly as you watch your heart being torn to shreds and every bit of you mentally in a state of confusion where you don’t remember your own name. As you watch this battle in horror and silence, all you can do is scream and fight against a glass wall that muffles your cries into silence. Once you realize you have zero control and this part must be worked out and broken before you can pick up again, you burrow into the fetal position and wait. Wait in silence and pain in the stillness of night.
I am very guilty of that feeling and place in life. Although I believed myself to be so much further along than I am now, when a hard hit challenges I am no further than I was when I started this journey. I don’t understand how that is possible. I can’t tell if I was fooling myself, or rather lulling myself into a false sense of security. Perhaps I prematurely thought I was much further ahead in my own path of blind faith and the first hard test…I fail miserably. So, how does one come out of that sense of thought and move on? I find myself unable to look in the mirror. I know who I am and where I am in life, the problem is I don’t agree with where I am and I don’t like it. So, I consistently fight it. What I have learned is that in this battle I have two choices as I see it. The first option is to fight through it and walk it in blind faith hoping I am not to be martyred for the cause or walk away, forget, bury and hermit my heart and memories and start over like it never happened…being careful to never allow myself down that path again.

So, as I write this my mind is racing a mile a minute. I’m not sure which path I will go down. I am stuck right in the middle of confusion land and am not very sure which way I am going to go. It seems a battle where the champion does not win more than the pain of its loss. Life’s lessons are not always pretty or make one happy…but each strives to teach you something…something about yourself and your path. The idea is to quiet yourself long enough to hear your heart speaking when it is a peace.

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