Me, Uninterrupted :)


“Love....hopes. It is the olive leaf ----evidence of dry land after a flood. Proof to the dreamer that dreaming is worth the risk.”

I am starting this story with one of my favorite mantra’s. It is also said, biblically that true love holds no record of wrongs. So, here I was this morning mindlessly staring at the sunrise from my rooftop parking deck. Of course, since I can be completely logical even in emotional situations (a fact I was told by a good friend is virtually impossible) I will analyze even the wretched organs choices. It is exhausting when inner battles of brain and heart never seem to cease. The endless bickering is enough to make one mad. Fortunately, my brain seems to over ride even the wretched organ.

Back to one’s heart. No matter how smart or stubborn or centered you are the willful beast has a mind of its own and chooses to love or not love whoever it sees fit. We have no control over that. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, however, I do used to think I was at least above known guilt and know not to bring it on. Ha! That does not hold do true. As the sun slowly rises, so does my realization that I have been so busy fighting to remain numb to people and emotion. Striving to maintain a painless and uncomplicated way of life as a single mother; I am after all married to my career and focused on making life work for my daughter and those I care about. Busy work leads one to trouble. The boomerang that smacked me a while back is something I never dealt with. I realized the wretched organs appeal and defiance when it came to him, regardless of what I know is right and wrong and what my brain wants. So, I took the emotion, packed it neatly in a titanium box and shipped it one way to Africa. Yeah, see how well that worked.

The numbness is wearing off. The heart is melting. I look at this person and am reminded of what love feels like. My guard is completely down and the only place I find myself wanting to be is in his arms. Why? It is the only place the world no longer exists, no pain, no fear, no struggles. It is simple. Complete love. As I sit and remember these strange feelings of love (because I must call a spade a spade) I get lost in all its wonder. After all, it is our most basic necessity and can profoundly change a person for the better. He makes me strive to be a better person. My phone disturbs my thoughts and I look down, see his name and a smile crosses my lips. Yeah, I know, Im completely screwed in every conceivable way. There is no way to hide it anymore. Sigh.

Enter brain. Now, the brain is awesome in its trying to prevent injury and loss. It is a small army of defense duty. The first annoying thought it sends is “you have no right”. Sadly enough, it is right. I truly have no right to be in love or want anything more or less. I have worked so hard to not be here. It makes one vulnerable and open to loss, fear and idiocy. Yes, admit it….love makes us all retarded in one way or another. That is a luxury I do not have. So the brain again makes its feeble attempt to remind me how inappropriate and without right I am. “you are setting yourself up for failure”…..it seems to whisper. While it puts every effort forth, the wretched organ gives a maniacal laugh…”awww, too bad..he is healing you in ways you can’t even imagine and forcing you to feel things you desperately have been putting away…he is opening your heart up…too bad and oh yeah neneer”. Blasted organ. Although I have acknowledged it and a tiny smile crosses my lips. Why the hell not? Is it that bad or that scary to take a leap of faith for a person who is beyond worth it if for no more than an absolute friend who you keep close to your heart.

In the short time that I have allowed myself to acknowledge these feelings and come to a place of comfort with them,  I have experienced an awesome lesson….humility and compassion. I didn’t think either could be mastered. It was and I have. My compassion and understanding has grown ten fold. My humility has grown in leaps and bounds and I now understand something I could never have until I acknowledged love. I am willing wholeheartedly and happily to either embrace it or let it go as the only thing that matters is this persons complete and utter happiness. Unfortunately, the fact I can not control my own heart speaks volumes to how little control we have over others. I don’t know what the future holds or the emotional standing of this person as I write this, but I do know one thing for sure…..I love an amazing person who has brought more to me than I thought possible. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart and know that nothing changes…this is my acknowledgment and does not have bearing on anything thus far or anything going forward.

Comments

TerryDennis said…
It's obvious you're in love...I am deeply happy for you and you above many truly deserve it...
April 6, 2013 at 11:07 PM
Unknown said…
It is apparent to everyone but my brain. That wretched thing is in def con 1 trying to salvage my heart. I pity its losing battle.
April 6, 2013 at 11:29 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Torment

It is almost impossible to judge ones true heart and reaction. I found that out tonight as I sit staring out into the cold rain. I thought for sure that after the “Love” story, which is my own that I could get over it. I mean how difficult is it to come to terms with a loss one never saw coming? My mind swears it should be a pang and then one walks away. You continue on with life, while somewhere in the subconscious crevices of the brain you continue the process of working through it. Eventually with time it gets easier and better to deal with. Theoretically, that sounds like a very good and very sound plan. But then you realize that you are thinking with your mind and not your heart. The wretched organ squirms and fights every step of the way and every minute. It seems as though no matter what your brain comes up with, your heart completely and utterly disagrees. This inner battle of heart and mind is enough to tear anyone to shreds. I can’t help but fight the urge to run away. Cod...
Read more

Hypocrisy

Anger seethes through my veins. While I do not pretend to be the perfect Christian, follow all dogma and live a perfect life I am enraged that some who call themselves just that practice the complete opposite. That phrase holds very little meaning in today’s Christian communities. I have seen more negativity, back turning and stabbing in today’s proverbial Christians than I do in those around me that profess to be Agnostic. It is truly sad that we can’t as humans get together for one another when in need, but then to have the audacity to label yourself a follower and true believer in Christ makes my blood boil. As I sit her writing, I almost don’t know where to start. Listening to the radio while running errands I was tuned into a talk show. The kind that you call in and get advice. Today’s topic was Christianity and our believe system in that. I was floored at some of these calls. One in particular stood out. A woman had called in stated that she was married with 2 children and a...
Read more

Silence

The girl sat on the edge of the couch intently looking at me. I wasn’t sure exactly what to think or say at this point. She completely threw me into my longest lived nightmare within a 10 minute conversation. She was asking for help and advice and all I could do was sit in silence and fear. Fear for knowing exactly how she felt and fear for her as I have seen many people in her very situation and unfortunately the cons far outweigh the pros. Outcomes are typically sad and filled with sorrow whether in direct correlation to the person or the indirect affects in the person’s close circle of friends and family.   My first reaction was to scream at her a simple “get out, run and do it now”. But I couldn’t. I could not bring my own fears into my perspective. It would not be very fair to her. She was genuinely asking my advice as a role model and mentor to her. All I could come up with was silence. How does one proverbially break out the kid gloves of compassion and understanding...
Read more