Complexity

The complexity of romance and love. Love is so easy when one is young. It comes in puppy forms of all kinds and wraps us in complete joyous harmony. Why can we not be the same in adulthood? Sigh. It should be simple and clear. Unfortunately, the wretched organ is the most complex of all and the most stubborn.  So, as you all may remember I had to come to terms with my own heart and brain in fight mode.  It was definitely a very hard battle. I am a stubborn woman and my will is almost always unbreakable. Titanium wall has gone down. It went boom. I have come to terms with the fact I am for all intensive purposes ass over teacups in love. That is not a romantic way of putting it, but certainly blunt and to the point.  It dawned on me at one point that I was in love beyond reason and sanity.

I say this because in some ways I have no right to love this man. It’s complicated for various reasons and I have battled guilt and anger at myself for feeling the way that I do. Then I realized that I have no control over my heart. We have both tried to run away from ourselves and each other numerous times and have ended up right back in each other’s face. It seems as though we had a divine bungee cord attached to our behinds that kept pulling us back in. We have even verbalized that feelings are a no no and should not happen…all while fighting the urge to desperately embrace and never let go. I have recently crossed the bridge of wanting to embrace. Once the flood doors of the hearts emotion were opened, we grabbed on and never let go. The hearts true colors poured through its prism, my wall went down and the only thing I want in this world is for him to be as happy as humanly possible. I say this whether or not his happiness means with me. I realize now that I love him, I let him go and 3 different times in my life he has come back.

He brings me to a deeper love, I did not think humans were possible of. I feel like I never touch the ground when I walk, like I float through my day. When I thoroughly examine myself and my true emotions, I radiate my love. I have been told I glow when I am near him.  His mere glance sends shivers down my spine. His touch reminds me that he will never let go and how desperately my heart wants him and I need him. I don’t need materialistically, I need the man. I want him to be here and with me constantly. The heart grows fonder when one is apart has never held more meaning for me than now. I miss him every minute of every day. Mushy, I know. However, it must be said to bring about one point…..if I had not allowed my titanium wall to melt away he never would have had a chance at all. I had to face my fears head on to allow myself to move on and allow this man to love me.

Yes, it takes 2 people to love and be loved. Reciprocation of feelings does not mean deep love. It simply means two people care for each other. Having likes and dislikes in common, also does not mean deep love, that is the same bond two good friends have. You must share a spirit, a faith, a love beyond reason. Relationships fail for the same reason friendships do…lack of respect and communication.  I can’t begin to count how many times someone has told me that they don’t understand what happened, one minute they were good, sex was great and everyone was happy. At the same time, the one thing that same person couldn’t tell me was what their partner desired most. Sad how well we don’t know each other. Ill tell you this, my relationship is 13 years in the making. Yes, it took this long of on and off to reach the point of admitting we were head over heels for each other romantically and to do something about it. We lived a lie with a yearning so deep it made seeing each other the most difficult thing we could do.

Complicated or not, I have learned something very important in all this mess up to this point….life is a journey and not a destination, however, there is a destination in life. Judgment day. Heavens gates open up and life as we know it comes to a screeching halt. We are then accountable for all that we have done, thought, and felt. Love, in any respect must be taken seriously and given the same effort as Corinthians explains. It is amazing to me how we sit there and spew love for God and then turn around and not feel the same for others. If we don’t allow ourselves to listen with our hearts and spirits, how can we say we feel it?

Look at the person you are with and genuinely ask yourself how deep your love for this person runs? If you had to wait indefinitely for this person to come to you, would you? Can you be patient to allow for God’s time or are you there because its convenient for you and its in the now. I pose these questions because I know what fighting my fate got me through the years and it has been pain and sorrow. Now that I have allowed my heart to be open, I cannot stop it. God has been, is and will always be in my soul. I cant honestly say that my love, my true love occupies that same space. My spirit is in complete harmony. No struggle or strife. My hunger has grown for more. More knowledge and emotion….I never want this to end. But the road to here has been 36 years of pain, sorrow and lessons. All the while I have been kicking and screaming and stubborn.

Lets all examine ourselves and our path. If not for you, then for the betterment of the person you claim to love.