Running...


The wall that is me. Hello, nice to meet you. Yes, I am a wall. I have built a very nice sturdy titanium wall around me and no one gets in. Yes that’s right, no one including the man that I love beyond all reason. So, what does one do when one is in refusal to open up and get past that wall. I am perfectly comfortable with where I am and where I am willing to go. I used to have mere bricks, concrete that over the years has been broken down. Once I was open and raw and have come out from behind the wall I have hit nothing but sorrow and/or fear. Hence, my second reconstruction is titanium.

Now, my life has changed drastically since the wall was constructed. I have moved to a new state, made changes to my personal life and even changed jobs, all in an effort to not have to face the past. Although I do see the past as a learning experience and do not necessarily live in it, as we all know the past has a strong impact on what choices we make in the future. For example, those that have been burned romantically tend to be a lot more cautious than someone with a not so bad experience.

It is our human nature to not trust when we have been proverbially put through the ringer. So, people we meet after the fact must and do in fact suffer our wrath for the mistakes of others. Is it fair? Absolutely not. But it is fact. We are humans and forgiveness eludes us.

Now, here I am battling my own demons in a new place, a new life completely cognizant of my running away from …. Ready for it…..me!!! We all know how unbelievable difficult it is to run away from one’s self. So, what do we think happened? Love chased me across the country and I find myself in the same rut I was originally running from.

Lesson learned…..stay and deal with it. One way or another makes you no less of a person. It doesn’t mean you sell yourself short, it is your simple decision on whether or not you chose it. That being, love, job, lifestyle in general. My issues was making complete and utter excuses as to why I don’t need to face it. What is wrong with just tip toeing away in silence? Changing your number, whatever it takes to make it go away. We are then spawned into childlike behavior of kicking and screaming.

As much as the reality of having to deal with it may very well be daunting task, it must be accomplished in order for us to achieve peace.

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