Decisions

Do we ever truly learn from our mistakes? I used to be a major advocate that human nature and experience would teach us as individuals to learn from our mistakes and be able to not repeat our past. I also used to be a firm believer that we could all make a difference and learn to be happy and live with some semblance of peace in our hearts and lives. I’m not sure I believe that anymore. I also used to believe that we as a race would learn to be and be better people. That I know I don’t believe anymore. It seems hearts have grown colder and darker with time. Everyone seems to be out for a mission…unfortunately one that only benefits themselves. I know I may sound like a broken record in this thought, however, I have what I believe in my heart of hearts to be proof positive, if only to myself.

A few years ago I allowed myself to feel. Yes, that disgusting emotion that threatens to over run your life and wreak havoc in every aspect. The wretched organ gets involved and before your brain knows what happened there you are facing it…love. Back then I was not as in tune spiritually as I am now, and therefore I didn’t know any better. As humans we are placed on this Earth with a strong, overwhelming at times desire for companionship. We are certainly not created to live a life of solitude unless we are of higher calling. So, feeling and allowing ones heart to run free is a natural reaction. Although back then I didn’t understand quite like this, I allowed myself to feel the beginnings of love. It was the wrong time, wrong place and a man I couldn’t have for various reasons. Did that rationale coming from the brain, even cause my heart to pause? Of course not. The wretched organ started the race and had no intentions of stopping. Well, for whatever reason the brain seemed to wreak its own logic for both of us and I ran away. Not walked, but ran like lightening, dealt with a little pain (because I hadn’t the time to completely immerse myself into the emotions) and continued on, swearing it was for the better and moving on.

As Gomer Pile says….”surprise, surprise, surprise”. Apparently history does repeat itself and we are destined to either learn from our mistakes or continue on the path of making them. That very same person, quite unintended and without action I wound up staring the same person in the face. Now, the circumstances I could see coming, and tried desperately to avoid. I wasn’t sure if it was the potential for disappointment or the fear of what if was the driving factor. My worst fear became reality when I found out I was doomed to face my biggest fear. He, of course, walks up to me, bear hugs tightly and proceeds to carry a conversation as if nothing ever happened, ranting how he had been desperately trying to get my number again. I was shocked and a little annoyed. How dare he be so nonchalant? Once I got over myself I realized the most important thing, we were friends first. I went on to act normally and he went on to flirting. Thanking my Heavenly Father I was able to walk away completely undamaged outside of the reality that nothing had changed inside of me. Time had not done a thing. I was grateful to walk away so easily.

A month passes and I am safe. One night, in the midst of grieving my best friend, raw wound open…I get a call. Guess who? Yeah. This time he was in my neck of the woods and offered to buy me a drink so we could catch up. I don’t exactly know if it was my desire to run away and not face the heart sickening grief or my human side wanting to prove a point to myself. For those of you ever wanting to prove a point…it will not change or work, it will backfire. So I go. Now I must say the outing was quiet and intimate and that was really good for someone ion my position at the time. I never learn….I allowed it to go back to the very thing I ran from. Unashamedly I wanted it, craved it and hungered for it. I must admit it was the most different encounter I had ever had with anyone. I, pretended that it was truly nothing, and walked away again, praying this time would allow me in peace after my guilt of allowing it.

I told myself this would not happen again and that it was a guilt ridden mistake on both ends. Wrong again. He continued communication asking to see me a lot more frequently. Of course part of me wanted to jump at the chance, while the other knows it will bring nothing but pain. I had already been there before. Of course I don’t learn well at all.

So, at this point I must ask myself where and how I want to allow this to go. If I run away now it won’t be a major deal. All I have invested right now is guilt. But the tides seem different. Could it be that now is different? What if I am running away from something magical? I’m not sure I even believe in love anymore. Personally, it has brought me nothing but pain and loss. Is my fear greater than my love? Questions I’ll be pondering until I am forced to face it again. Why face it? Because not facing it may be more painful than knowing. I also seem to be a glutton for punishment.