Hope

It is said the spiritual journey to peace is through a dark forest of suffering and sorrow. One never really knows how true that statement truly is until one is forced to walk through it. Reading the statement you would think you completely understand it and whatever strife you are going through is what that dark unending night is all about. I know; I made that mistake. I thought this last period of night was all it had to be. I have never been so wrong in my entire life. I progressively got deeper and deeper down the road in this vehicle of life. I had my headlights on, figuring that’s all I would ever need. I was partially right. I did not have enough oil in my lamps to keep them burning. Why, one may ask? Simple. It cannot and will not happen to me. It is impossible that I would be tested and tried along such a deep and dark road. After all, I had passed my lesson or so I thought.

Then it happened. Not only was it pitch black my headlights went out. Since the road seemed pretty straight, I continued moving along, although much slower than when I started the journey. This equates to my complete an utter falling into the beginnings of depression. Since somewhere in this complex feeling my brain refused to stop I found myself with a flat. I had no choice but to stop. The person in the mirror was not the one I thought I knew. I was confident in my faith and in who I was. My Heavenly Father had other plans. I was stuck sulking in the dark, completely unable to move forward or backward. I was so sure I could have handled anything. I got cocky. My humility had diminished. I took an otherwise beautiful gift and ran with it, not bothering to actually learn it and be grateful. My doves of hope and peace had ceased coming and again I was forced on my knees praying for strength and understanding.

This time around, however, I learned a much better lesson a lot quicker. I found the err of my ways and began to correct rather quickly. Although, I hit depression, I was fully aware of it, I just didn’t know where to start picking up the pieces. So I prayed and slowly I went from sitting/on my knees to be able to start the process of standing. In my brilliance I still kicked and screamed and argued. My saving grace this time was that I wasn’t able to get up so quickly as I had done the first time. I started standing, but did so ever so slowly. This was a daily test of faith and patience. Patience is my one lesson I still have problems with. I want to save the world but will run out the door with no tools or knowledge as to where even to begin. God then turned around and opened my heart and eyes with little olive branches, which in my infinite wisdom were still not enough. I learn slowly. Finally, an entire olive tree smacked me in the face. So, as I sit and stare at the obvious tree in my lap, I still find myself wrapped in fear and worry. I am coming up from under that day by day but very slowly. The smile has returned to my face and I am relearning humility. I have made the choice to slow down and not rush getting up. The tree of hope still looms its shadow over me, however, I take nothing for granted anymore. I am growing in my faith and believe that things will happen in their own time and when God sees fit, not me.

It has been a tough pill to swallow, so I am leaving this with one main thought. If you get lost, ask for help; if you hurt ask for peace and love and when you think you cannot go any further, ask for strength. Be mindful and watchful, as well as, aware of yourself and your choices. When you think you know who you are don’t go running a marathon, stop and look again…always in humility and never with your just your own eyes.