New Beginnings

When last I left off, I found myself at a cross roads. I wasn’t sure which way to go and I felt lost and stuck in the proverbial dark. I seeped deeper and deeper into this hole and slowly but surely lost some faith and convinced myself I would be a martyr in this life, since I had no other choices. As I have said before, once the brain enters into it, we are doomed by the chains of logic. While this is a rather healthy and good road to be on, at times it can deter us and push us off our road into some mysterious and in my case dark place. It is easier said than done to keep a strong faith and not allow life’s obstacles to drag you down. Everything in you changes and is challenged. I was there and due to my own will and desire to back away it took me much longer than it should have. Lesson learned times ten.

I was stuck at a fork which, regardless of which road I took, a little pain and suffering emotionally would take place. So I backed off of myself and those around me. I hit a proverbial wall in life. I didn’t want to make the choices I had, instead, I chose to cower and allow fear and lies of the heart to overtake me. The only thing I managed to resolve in that was a complete and utter depression, where I hurt not only myself but those around me. I not only pushed people I love who are my friends away but I managed to push family away as well. In that, I completely hurt people and was advised I was spewing acid. I stopped but fear and anger did not go away. Instead of learning my lesson at that point, I crawled deeper down the hole of despair and couldn’t find my way out. So, I sulked and stayed in it for a while to come.

Rather than be stronger in faith and trust, I turned cheek and allowed fear to over take me. There wasn’t anything anyone could have said to me to make me feel better or be nicer for anyone. Although I kept praying, I was doing so half heartedly. I was simply going through the typical Christian motions; mistake number 1. I had lost faith in my heart, my faith and most of all in myself; mistake number 2.

I honestly don’t know where my faith came from or how, what I do know is it slowly came creeping back in and softening my then hardened heart, opening it up to new possibilities. Slowly but surely, the chill and darkness began to subside. I noticed that if my perspective and heart changed other things would as well. So, I took a leap of faith and it worked out beautifully. Teared stained face, with the icy feel running down my back had suddenly changed into lukewarm. While I am not completely out of the woods of despair, off in a very far distance I can see a small light on the horizon. My morning has come.