Mom

Sorrow and suffering seems to be the theme of everyone’s life these days. It is usually brought on by one thing or another and we as humans turn ourselves to other vices such as drinking. While I am not against drinking as a whole I find it to be demonic when used and abused as a measure to drown ourselves and our sorrows. I am a child who grew up in that environment and have heard the denial of it, how it helps to cover and deal with pain and more so how absolutely necessary it has become. I don’t think we ever truly realize how strong any of these vices truly are. As humans we lack control and our souls are so vulnerable and weak we never realize how deep within our vices we truly are until one day we wake up and there is nothing left. We are truly amazing how in certain ways we are such strong advocates and yet in others we are brought to our knees by something as simple as a bottle.

Similar to exorcisms (for those who may believe in them, I am only using this as a mere metaphor)……we start to change and transform ourselves into beings of self destruction and solitude. My personal experience was with my mother. When I was a child I hated it, hated it so much I cried myself to sleep most every night and turned into a complete introvert. As much as I wanted to scream out loud and make it stop, I couldn’t imagine the world knowing what I was going through at home, when everyone seemed to have it so together. I was not the one drinking and yet I felt the shame deeper than my mother did. She was a functioning alcoholic for most of her life. I ignored it as long as I could until my father fell ill. After three years of watching life slowly drain from his body, I had no choice but to deal with her. Needless to say her answer was typical….the bottle.

Then he died. I turned into a machine. I felt numb and lonelier than one could imagine. I was going through the motions in life and barely existing. Our relationship suffered greatly as my animosity and anger started to rear its ugly head and smell or thought of alcohol was less than I wanted to bear. Here I was stuck with a woman I called mom and had no idea who she was. I did, however, get a clear view of what drinking and the hardships of life had done to her. Sadly, in my seething anger I didn’t care and the battle and emotional turmoil continued. One day out of the blue she decided she had had enough of me and life and left. That threw me deeper into a hole and my anger continued. I swore I never wanted to see or hear from her again. The damage she had done to me and my daughter was immeasurable at that point and I couldn’t see passed it.

God intervened. It took a while, since I still had residual anger even in that relationship because of my father having had died. My Heavenly Father had to break me and bring me to my knees and then the floodgates of tears and pain opened. I heard that crying renews and soothes the spirit, allowing more growth, which it did. I was able to forgive and move on with me. I gave my free will up to God at that point. I couldn’t figure out my path perhaps my Creator would. He did. He started me on a path of complete peace and unconditional love for humanity (a trait I am still not perfect on). My point here is no matter how angry or how bad life can look, we have but one source of strength and unconditional love.

Karma, of course, has its way of returning favors in life. Once I was able to be a complete peace with my mother and family, it came back. Here I was facing the opportunity to proverbially extend the hand of Christ. My mother ended up in life saving surgery and I was faced with a choice…to walk away or extend the hand of forgiveness and compassion. I picked the right road here. We are back to speaking terms and she is no longer drinking. I am more than happy to have her back in my life and thank God everyday for softening a once hardened heart with the grace to forgive. Please do.