Torment

"Just as the thought of fire does not warm the body, so faith without love does not actualize the light of spiritual knowledge in the soul."

 

A very poignant sentence. I have learned something in this affair we call love. There are those who would call themselves Christians and do what they are told. They never grasp the true meaning of anything, spiritual or otherwise. We make our vows to God to always keep faith and hope near to our hearts and try to live and walk in the spirit. If life were the desert school of theology as it were with Moses, we would fail miserably.

I am guilty of the same thing. While I have never been selfish as a person or even a child, as I was able to spoil myself, I did. I did so blindly until I had no other place to go but on my knees. From the time my father died until my knees hit the floor I was angry with God, ignorant of my faith and had no idea who I was. I was angry with the world because I thought it owed me something. Looking back, it’s funny and yet sad. The world owed me something because my life wasn’t perfect. Its imperfections were life based, how dare anyone even think that it was my choices that brought me there. I got a huge slap in the face with a strong dose of reality. I squirmed, kicked and fought tooth and nail over it. I realized I didn’t like myself. And so the healing began. My anger evaporated into nothing and I had no recourse but to face myself in solace. I found myself again, or rather my spirit. It had been caged, lost, hungry and deep in sorrow. It never lost hope. Hope, the very thing that makes one get out of bed in the morning and start another day.

Once released and fed, it was like being fully immersed in peace. I have never felt as connected or as one with myself. My mind, spirit and soul were finally communicating and for a glimpse of time I was a full Christian. Of course, being human I lost that connection. I, like many of us, was hit with life and I slowly started to separate. The peace that once resided was gone. My one advantage in this is that I am fully aware and conscious of myself, my thoughts and the path I should be on. Getting there, however, is a completely different story. I am stubborn to the core and at times insist on my brain taking over. When it does, logic is my peace. I feel empowered and in control. One would think that is awesome. Shocking as it may be, logic only goes so far. It limits my understanding and turns me into a numb and empty being. I suppose in some respects it is a saving grace to not feel, to not be bothered by what happens in the world, but it is raw and void. Like a hole in ones heart that can never be filled.

To have true faith, one must have love. They go hand in hand. There is no separation. You cannot be faithful to a God that is love and be a cold hearted bastard who feels on convenience. It doesn’t work that way. This is one area in life that is all or nothing. Life, the thing you do in the human shell is ever so transient. In the grand scheme of eternity our time on Earth is but seconds. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. We sometimes forget that the experience should be all encompassing in the soul and spirit and not just your humanity. When you are hungry, you eat, when your heart or soul are sick you read something that makes you feel better….but what do you do when your spirit is ill? The spirit does not heal because you pet it and give it a piece of chocolate. I see so many books out there like the “Chicken Soup for….”, whatever your need may be. While I think sometimes a sweet thought is something we all need, your spirit does not heal because you feed it what it wants to hear. Last time I checked there is no “Chicken Soup for the Spirit”. Why? Because we cant handle it. That’s right, we cannot handle being told about ourselves. The only chicken soup for the spirit is the Bible. When is the last time the average person picked one up? Exactly. Chances are it is collecting dust in a drawer or on a bookshelf. I was guilty of that too.

Time for some change. Shake up life a little bit. I have a 9 year old that is your typical child. Spoiled rotten, greedy at time and when life doesn’t go her way…watch out because it’s time to throw a fit. Her heart is in the right place, but she has a hard time seeing it. I have signed her up to work 1 day a week in a soup kitchen. One way to learn humility. She loves God and the child’s faith is unshaken. But is that enough? Just because she is 9 makes her no less important in this lesson than a grown adult. We as adults should be better educated and much more understanding of what we can see and also what we cant.

No matter how smart or educated we are and how much we learn through our lives, we still die stupid. Why? Because we only nurture one aspect of our being…our human side. We are much much more than a shell with a personality and a tongue that wields more power than a sword.