Stigmas, Fears and Love

I have admitted that I have fallen deeply for a man. Although my world was spun around and I have acknowledged much more than I thought I would. This is certainly strange and fearful theory. Yes, love is a theory to me. Even at my age, I have little experience in handling deep love. I will be honest it is very scary. I jumped in loving the theory and essence of its being. I’ve hit the brakes to ponder the feelings associated with the wretched organ.

I have to be honest in that I am in a whirlwind of wonder and fear, each equally matched. I am forced to place it all on the back burner and put my faith and hope in a theory that may or may not come to pass. While spiritually I have grown leaps and bounds, I am not so sure my soul side has caught up. My trust in humans is very removed from existence. So how can I possibly expect to go forward in love? Faith and trust in God is what I have been told, the He holds and guards your heart always. But His is a perfect love, unwavering and ever present. There is no guess work. However, with humans, love is flawed. It should want for nothing and yet it does. It should heal but yet it brings pain. So, how does one transcend all that theory and push forward? I don’t know the answer to that.

I am scared. My fear runs as deep as my love. How can love overcome fear if the entire message coming is a back and forth, push and pull game? Love shouldn’t have a price tag or conditions. It should encompass and immerse the soul so that both parties can move on in one spirit. But what happens if one is forced to wait. The waiting is done in a dark room, no lights, not knowing if the sun will peek out from the horizon and kiss the morning with hope.

I believe I am at the fork in the road and I stand with two choices. The first to step out in faith and hope that one deserves the love and can overcome the fear. The second is to work through the pain and fear in the cloak of night, and center moving on into what seems to be solace and peace, remaining in perfect love and never attempting the human kind. When the human kind of love brings sin, stigma, trepedition and a desire to run, I would have to be completely daft to not question it and my own motivations more.

I hang on the limb and pray for an answer. As cliché as it may seem, sometimes God’s greatest gift is an unanswered prayer. But is that and can that be enough to overcome the fear? I don’t know, but I will keep those posted as I grow into a deeper understanding and a final decision.

"Apart from love nothing whatever has existed, nor ever will. Its names and actions are many. More numerous still are its distinctive marks; divine and innumerable are its properties. Yet it is one in nature, wholly beyond utterance whether on the part of angels or men or any other creatures, even such as are unknown to us. Reason cannot comprehend it; its glory is inaccessible, its counsels unsearchable. It is eternal because it is beyond time, invisible because thought cannot comprehend it, though it may perceive it. Many are the beauties of this holy Sion not made with hands! He who has begun to see it no longer delights in sensible objects; he ceases to be attached to the glory of this world."

—St. Symeon the New Theologian