Love Hurts

“As it is not possible to cross over the great ocean without a ship, so no one can attain to love without fear. The fetid sea, which lies between us and the noetic paradise, we may cross by the boat of repentance, whose oarsmen are those of fear. But if fear's oarsmen do not pilot the barque of repentance whereby we cross over the sea of this world to God, we shall be drowned in the fetid abyss. Repentance is the ship and fear is the pilot; love is the divine haven.”

 

This is such a pleasant thought. It almost makes us all want to fall in love and strive to love humankind as ourselves. NOT!! I have said it before and I will say it again, love and pain go hand in hand at least for a little while. The road to peace and true love hurts. I happen to like the band Def Leppard and their version of Love Hurts has the following chorus:

 

Love bites, love bleeds
It's bringin' me to my knees
Love lives, love dies
It's no surprise
Love begs, love pleads
It's what I need

 

Love bites big time and it wants all of you. Not just a small fraction. Love bleeds. No, not in domestic violence kind of way. But your heart should and will bleed for the one you love and for humanity. Realizing true and deep love is the most painful experience in one’s life. Think about it like this…Christ allowed suffering and ridicule and then to be nailed to a cross out of nothing but complete and utter love. Our road is not much less painless. It is still filled with pain, obviously we are not nailed to a cross, although some of us so desperately need it. To feel real love we feel real pain. It may be the pain of separation, the pain of not being able to have that person as desperately as one may want. But pain does come with it and hearts bleed. Love, shockingly enough also seems to be the one thing that does bring us to our knees, albeit a lot of the time for the wrong reasons. We do so out of desperation or praying to have the person our wretched organ has decided is the one. We pray that no harm comes to that person, that they realize how much they love us and so forth. Love lives and it dies. Duh! No offense to anyone, but this paragraph has something wrong with it. Our idea of love here is just that…an idea. It is meant for us and our livelihood and for our personal gain. That is not love. It is selfish.

 

I realized this in my own love affair of the heart. It is so deeply rooted in my soul and spirit, I am more than willing to let the person go so he may achieve happiness. I want nothing more than his peace and happiness in life, even if it comes at my own expense. After all love endures all. As Christ endured every disgusting and vile thing we as a race did to him, how can we show any less to our counterparts and even strangers here on Earth? Are you willing to let the person your heart loves the most walk away to find their true happiness? I highly doubt most of us can answer yes to that and be honest. We force our beliefs and wants on another. You cannot be equally yoked in a relationship if the other person is supposed to love and live the way you want them to. God gave us free will and the opportunity to love or hate because that is what allows us to love. Choice. So, if you take away a person’s choice and freedom, how exactly can you say the person loves you or you them? If God us no choices, there would be no evil in this world because we would all conform and live a truly Christian life.

 

We then move on to convenience. Reality 101, just because you have been with someone for years and its comfortable does not mean love exists between you. Love is undying. That is like going to church every Sunday, because you are supposed to but while you are there you stare into oblivion and you have not heard a word that was spoken. So the question begs…why do people do that? Love all of a sudden has a price tag. Sad as that may be it is the truth. We as women want someone to take care of us, however, are not willing to do the same in return. The reason we don’t is because we have this assumption that we are God’s gift to man, we are whiny, needy and selfish. Our way of attracting a man is through makeup, hair dyes, diets and clothes. Then we are shocked that when the real woman comes out its ugly. Rotted bones inside white washed temples. Men, however, do the same in turn. They believe that love equals how well they can provide. So, rather than show a woman their true colors, for fear that the female may not like him, he throws money around in the attempt to gain the favor of the woman who stole his heart. Shocked again, when he gets comfortable that he has won her and pulls back the reigns of his wallet.

 

That, my dear friends is what we call love. Selfish and conditional and masked under the cover of L’Oreal and green paper with numbers in descending numeric order. I realized that truth in examining my own feelings for the man I am completely in love with. I would love him no less if he was a beggar on the street. I want nothing from him but his heart. I want the man, not his capabilities. I wonder if he would ever truly understand that concept. I love him with all my being. In his presence there is a peaceful, soothing feeling and the world goes away for those few precious moments.  My heart does bleed, especially now when careers have taken us apart with a wall of titanium between us. It bleeds for him. The blood of humility and compassion. My spiritual desires endure the separation. My human side begs and pleads to be held, if even for a moment. Love endures all, and so shall it endure this. My poverty in not having him truly makes me thankful for the moments I do.

 

Love encompasses all. And is forever lasting. Regardless of what life and love brings, I will feel no less for him than I do now. My heart will always belong to him. I pray for his happiness and peace, not my own and not contingent on that happiness to be with me. My love affair with God is as strong and faith is as deep, but also reaches ten fold in the spirit. I question my faith and love constantly. I am not sure I would be a very faithful person if I didn’t. We are not sheep meant to simply follow along. We are meant to think and make choices. Make the choices without condition and selfishness. You may be poor in cash, but you will be rich in spirit. I promise you that nothing on this Earth will ever equal that.

 

While it hurts, comes with pain, suffering, desperation and fear….if fear is your oarsmen, how will you ever cross the ocean of life to reach that of the eternal?