Responsibility and Trust

As inspirational as the above quote is, today I realize it can also be a fading dream which remains ever so in the distance. Generally speaking, I have been the type of person to have faith in the future and decisions made. I have recently been forced into thinking otherwise.

Mothers. Our mothers are the very fabric of our being. Thy are supposed to be our greatest cheerleaders in life and in every day. One would think that they support no matter whether they agree with the choices or not. I force myself to a constant reminder that not all mothers are created equal. Mine is the least of these. Father forgive me, but I am at wits end with how to deal with family, specifically a mother, who deems life should be according to her and when I make choices against her will I have instantly morphed into some kind of demon seed and she throws a tantrum. I would completely understand this attitude if I were an alcoholic or drug user, etc. But to be under scrutiny because my life has been delayed is ridiculous.

Let’s start at the beginning. When you spend your time completely dunked in a bottle of vodka until you can’t even keep your eyes open and you pass out in an alcoholic coma you have no right to dictate what you sober child chooses to do in their life for the simple fact you do not agree with their choices. I know we all have parents that have their own way of parenting at different stages but all of a sudden being a helicopter parent to your adult child doesn’t work.

So, now that I have vented my annoyance, lets re-examine the picture. Yes, I have come back as a pack leader many times, however, what the picture lacks in verbiage is how badly wounded one is upon return from the wolf pack. Some wounds make us stronger. Some make us weaker and more wary while others change who we are forever. Keep in mind here that there is no amount of love or time that will alter any of those options or heal any of those wounds on their own. Anyone who tells you that love or time makes anything better is lying and this is why. While time does ease the heartache or pain endured or encountered…on its own it will not heal. We as individuals must make a commitment to ourselves and work internally for that healing to take place. Think of it this way, if you break your wrist and do not go to the doctor, will time heal it. Of course not. Same is true for emotional hurt. One must come to terms with it before time can begin its ever so slow healing process.

Now, I was thrown to the wolves as a child growing up in a domestic abuse home which continued into my earl adulthood. I can say I came out of that as a pack leader in the sense that I am not a drug user, I am not an alcoholic and I don’t blame my messed up, complex life on my childhood. However, by the same token I am a forever changed person. These changes were such that went unnoticed for the longest time in life. I turned into a rebel of sorts, determined to do everything my parents hated. That was my payback. What I didn’t realize was the effect it would have on me. So there we have it, my life goals tremendously delayed or procrastinated against because I was busy “getting back” at my parents.

So now my mother, albeit sober, still maintains her drunken tendencies. Has no faith in me as a person to achieve anything. She is convinced I simply need to find a basic job and work forever and end of story. Why? Well, because it is what she did. She is also a firm believer that since I have one daughter and am 38 that it needs to stop. She and her side of the family only had 1 child each and so I must follow suit. She has told my husband I am wishy washy and never finish what I start. While I will agree that I have been a lot like that in the past…..my childhood is to blame. I raised myself and dealt with the drinking and emotional abuse alone. What does she expect now? She doesn’t understand we must heal before we can get up and continue walking.

The part that continues to fascinate me is how people in our lives never take responsibility for their effects on our lives citing that we should get over it and move on. How can we when their choices and actions have rocked us to the very core of our being and changed who we are forever.