Procrastinate and Run!

The light at the end of the tunnel always gives a wonderful feeling of hope. It is the end of the journey in one respect or another. There it is…my light at the end of my tunnel came when I thought everything was lost and I would once again continue on life’s path alone…yet out of the blue I was offered another chance at love, the real kind this time and an option to not walk alone.

I will tell you that more as a fear than anything else I was mentally preparing myself to move on and walk away. After all, walking away is something we are all good at. It may be painful but it’s like a break up…pain, sadness then you move on. Since I was and still am in some ways fearful of loving someone and of being loved I made my mind up that I would walk away. Even more laughable in hindsight, of course, is that I would do it silently without the other party knowing until it was too late. I was angry that I had spent so much of my life perfecting my avoidance that I was not about to let this man simply walk in and tear it apart and make me feel. Yes, actually feel rather than being numb. I mentally used every excuse in the book to find fault, some more ridiculous then others but nonetheless I was not going down without a fight.

In hindsight, as I ponder the events and the person I was during this time I am ashamed at how idiotic my mind worked at the time and yet I learn. I learned more about myself in the time span of a year than I had my entire life previously. It is a somber moment when your closet door opens and fears, nightmares and everything you dread comes crashing down on you. While I used every excuse in the book to make him the bad guy…evil walking….jerk….you name it. It was easier to vilify him than deal with myself.

I know there are many people out there who have been there and done that. We all put blame on the other party because that prevents us from having to look at ourselves and deal with issues. We all make up insane theories as to why we want to walk away from someone. I’m not saying it’s a lie or based on one, however, it is not accurate either. What we usually do is find something that irks us about the person and inflate it to the “Stay Puft Marshmellow” man levels and then pity ourselves while we walk away from that person or situation.

So, I was busy doing all of the above for almost a year. I convinced myself that it wasn’t love and I was there because of life’s circumstances. That is nuts. I went back and forth on my options daily…yet I persevered and stuck in there. After our house was purchased, one morning while having coffee he simply came downstairs and proposed. I mean officially proposed no more of this promise to crap. I was floored and my mouth spoke faster than my brain had time to think and I could hear “yes” coming out before I could stop it.

So, now began my true self-examinations. They say that your instinct is almost always right. So why did mine so quickly and hastily say yes when my brain had spent about 6 months up to that point coming up with objections? I was mad at myself but school giddy at the same time. Needless to say, I do not operate well in those cases. Luckily enough he told me we should not set a date and just “play it by ear” for now. I was relieved when he said that because deep down I had no intention of setting a date.

So yes, I am probably the most messed up newly engaged person you can meet. Most people are happy and giddy and planning, etc and yet here I am dreading and fearing and willing to do anything not to set a date.

One has to wonder why we are so busy avoiding life and issues when we should be handling them and only deal with them when they slap us in the face. Then panic sets in and we are scrambling. I know a lot of people who have broken perfectly good relationships because of these skeletons and an unwillingness to deal with them. Sadly, more often than not it always ends up being a regret.

So, what does one do in my situation? Procrastinate, of course, and do everything in your power to avoid. This aspect is to be continued….however….as food for thought, why do we avoid dealing with problems knowing that if the issue resolved the light at the end of that tunnel will burn brighter than ever before and sunshine in life as in every day….brings out happiness and laughter to whatever the rays touch.