Uncensored Heart

In going with the Inner Battles story, I have decided to pull some verses from the Bible. I know it will only apply to those that obviously read it and understand, but I figured on pulling a few pieces to not justify my battle, but rather understand where the perspective comes from or rather is built into us as humans. 13 A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret. Proverbs 11:13 28 Whoever trusts in his riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf. Proverbs 11:28 26 He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe. Proverbs 28:26 22 Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he? Isaiah 2:22

White washed temples with rotted bones on the inside is a term I never thought I would use to describe humanity at this stage and yet I am forced by daily experiences to do just that. We come across a variety of people in our lives that cross our path for one reason or another. Some remain passing acquaintances while others hold the power to affect our lives in profound ways. They are all learning experiences in one way or another. Unfortunately, the world has become so materialistic in its most simple everyday lives that people no longer maintain “humanity” as their belief or goal. It is truly sad and enraging depending on the circumstances. My own personal experience affected me profoundly and on so many levels, I’ve lost sight of myself. I developed a friendship which turned into more with time. While I take accountability in allowing it to go there myself, I am not the sole blame for the ending. This was a person I had a lot of respect for and I thought I knew him for who he...

Adversity seems to be the theme of one’s life. It seems at times that no matter how hard one tries or strives to achieve at least middle ground it is torn to shreds. You talk yourself through hard times and sacrifice to make it work so that those around you will never have to see the true pain and torment that one goes through. After all, we cannot open ourselves up to who we really are for fear that people will either not understand or judge us prematurely. I woke up this morning in a rather odd mood. While I am not sad or depressed, reality hits me to the core. The one part I can’t understand and I doubt I ever could is how can a reasonably intelligent person end up in predicaments of the heart that threaten to shred every last bit of who you are. So, I lay here and ponder the existence and paths of everyday people and wonder how one ever knows their destined path. Do we go through and kind of feel our way through? Do we shoot for the stars blindly and hope we aren’t martyrs for...

"As a handful of sand thrown into the ocean, so are the sins of all flesh as compared with the mind of God." "Just as a strongly flowing fountain is not blocked up by a handful of earth, so the compassion of the Creator is not overcome by the wickedness of his creatures." "Someone who bears a grudge while he prays is like a person who sows in the sea and expects to reap a harvest." —St. Isaac The Syrian "He who busies himself with the sins of others, or judges his brother on suspicion, has not yet even begun to repent or to examine himself so as to discover his own sins..." —St. Maximos the Confessor (Third Century on Love no. 55) "Fire and water do not mix, neither can you mix judgment of others with the desire to repent. If a man commits a sin before you at the very moment of his death, pass no judgment, because the judgment of God is hidden from men. It has happened that men have sinned greatly in the open but have don...

A heart divided is always something very difficult to handle and deal with. How does one move on when they can’t decide which path to take? You stand at the fork in the road. One path has your heart as it is and it has been the one road you have been on. It is what’s comfortable to you; however, it also has been never ending. No resolution has ever come forth. It is the path of blind faith, the road that harbors confusion and mistrust. However, it is also the road that you have been on. So, what is the problem you ask? The other path that has newly appeared is a clearer picture, no fog, no mist and you can see the road ahead.   So, which path does one chose in this case? This is the typical question most people find themselves struggling with. It happens every day and everywhere that one looks. There is always a part of us that wants the guaranteed easy road, no drama or issues. But then one must wonder if the hardest road reaps the greater reward. Some decisions are easier th...

"Man is more himself, man is more manlike, when Joy is the fundamental thing in him, and Grief the superficial. Melancholy should be an innocent interlude, a tender and fugitive state of mind; Praise should be the permanent pulsation of the soul. Pessimism is at best an emotional half-holiday; Joy is the uproarious labor by which all things live." Habits of Belief, Essential Writings; Orbis Books pgs. 139-140

The fruit of the spirit comes in many forms and in many ways. It is a composite meaning the lifestyle as a whole. Another words, we cannot chose which we want to exhibit and which ones we do not. It is our life and what we do with it. It is our character and the type of person that we are. It is an unbroken whole, we cannot pick only the fruits that we like or distribute them to only people we like. Another words, we must accept it as a whole and then distribute it as a whole. It is an all or nothing choice here. It also is an ideal that seems so difficult for most people to accomplish, myself included. It is an easy thing when the people you deal with are one’s that you like. The real test comes when you are faced with those that you do not like or even worse cannot stand. Yes, I feel you as I am guilty of the same thing. My thoughts and feelings are not always docile towards some people. The one most inspiring concept to me, besides love has always been faithfulness.   In Gre...

"Apart from love nothing whatever has existed, nor ever will. Its names and actions are many. More numerous still are its distinctive marks; divine and innumerable are its properties. Yet it is one in nature, wholly beyond utterance whether on the part of angels or men or any other creatures, even such as are unknown to us. Reason cannot comprehend it; its glory is inaccessible, its counsels unsearchable. It is eternal because it is beyond time, invisible because thought cannot comprehend it, though it may perceive it. Many are the beauties of this holy Sion not made with hands! He who has begun to see it no longer delights in sensible objects; he ceases to be attached to the glory of this world." —St. Symeon the New Theologian

Love and pain go hand in hand. That is a very powerful statement by far. Pondering its true and deep rooted meaning I still do not believe I fully grasp it for what it truly means. There are so many definitions for both words, but the phrase as a whole takes on a completely different meaning. I believe that to truly be able to comprehend the true meaning of it and experience this feeling you must be able to experience it. I’ll be perfectly honest in saying I’m not quite sure the practicing of pain to understand love makes much sense, until you truly think and feel it. At what point, however, does anyone want to feel pain just to understand love? I certainly don’t and yet I have experienced both and almost on a daily basis too. I could simply use the example of child birth. Labor and delivery are the most physically painful experience in a woman’s life. However, as soon as it is over she feels nothing but joy and immense love for the little bundle sleeping in her arms. Immense pain...

I know I have said that love is a lot of things but it is never uncertain. I strongly believe that. I know that once you meet your soul mate, the one person you are destined for, etc…..your heart will know it. Something special always happens inside you. The difference is whether or not our brains get involved and we dismiss it because it is illogical to feel something for a person you just met and you do not know. I know I am the poster child for this….if my brain cannot understand the concept it will fight it. So, how is it possible that you know you are looking into the eyes of your soul mate? It is very simple. Your heart and spirit “just know”….they know who their kindred spirit is at an instant. In this one case it is your brain that refuses to acknowledge. We are built to think and reason. Feelings are tertiary in our everyday handling life. In this context, feelings refers to heart-generated emotions. Another words, your heart does not need to get involved when you are going ...

Spirituality, defined……   To love as Jesus loved To love with the heart To love with the whole of oneself To love brothers and sisters Of every race, faith, colour or creed Simply---to love. As we have been loved By Jesus on the Cross With no strings attached Not counting the cost Simply---to love. (Canosian Daighters of Charity)

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 My own hardest battle, although such a simple statement.

Christ is not just some nice guy. He is God and God is within you. God is in our consciousness, in our heart, in our minds---not something material you see outside yourself. You find God in yourself. You descend in your personality. We are eternal, we never die, the body is going to the cemetery, but the consciousness, the person is continually living. So when you descend into yourself, your consciousness is infinite. And this infinity is the temple of the living God. St. Paul says many times you are the temple of the living God because God lives within you. You find God when you know yourself, when you know who you are. If you neglect that, “I don’t have time to think about myself” you will never find God because God is not something material, you do not find him in a specific place. God is always with you if you want Him to be with you. You find God when you find yourself. Fr. Roman Braga the Confessor I found this little piece very inspirational given my entire talk an...

It is said both spiritually and humanly that love makes it all better. The reward for loving selflessly should be the greatest thing on Earth. One should love their neighbor, friends, family, children, and lover with all their heart regardless if that love is reciprocated. This is one of the most difficult things to do. We all know how difficult it can be to truly and selflessly love the one who hurt you most or who let you down, broke your trust and the list goes on and on. I am guilty of that myself. Try as I may, pushing past the anger and hurt is the most difficult thing to achieve, never mind trying to come around to being able not only to let go, but to love your enemy. So, the question in mind is, how does one reach acceptance and love with a person who is toxic in one’s life? I have been asked the question recently and figured it brought up a very good point. I know everyone has had the one person that did noting but poison their life. I do not mean this from a bad perspect...

I had to post this excerpt as I found it to be very moving and written in words I could only hope to one day achieve. It is also a place I have reached in my own journey but find it difficult to put it into words. It is a piece by Saint Silouan on Spiritual Love…….. “ The soul cannot know peace unless she prays for her enemies. The soul that has learned of God's grace to pray, feels love and compassion for every created thing, and in particular for mankind, for whom the Lord suffered on the Cross, and His soul was heavy for every one of us. The Lord taught me to love my enemies. Without the grace of God we cannot love our enemies. Only the Holy Spirit teaches love, and then even devils arouse our pity because they have fallen from good, and lost humility in God. I beseech you, put this to the test. When a man affronts you or brings dishonor on your head, or takes what is yours, or persecutes the Church, pray to the Lord, saying: "O Lord, we are all Thy creatures. Ha...

"Love does not reflect. Love is simple. Love never mistakes. Likewise believe and trust without reflection, for faith and trust are also simple; or better: God, in whom we believe and in whom we trust, is an incomplex Being, as He is also simply love." From St. John of Kronstadt

The child lied on her knees, ears pressed up against the door. She was straining to hear what was happening. Her heart beat so fast and hard it threatened to push out of her chest. The beats were so long and hard she strained against them to hear what was happening on the other side of the door. She was unable to hear clearly, so she bent even lower to try and see what was happening under the door. She did not have much room or view point but nonetheless she strained as hard as she could. She barely made out screams and what sounded like feet shuffling. All she could see was the movement of feet, facing each other against the wall. Her heart was pounding…she had never felt as much terror as she felt now. Her heart threatened to come out of her chest with each bang she heard on the other side of the door. Her mother was crying now. She clearly heard the sobbing. Her father’s voice was raised to anger. She could feel the words her father had said through the anger and clenched teeth. T...

Blind faith in the path of darkness seems to be the most insurmountable task there is to complete. In most situations having faith is rather easy but blind faith is a completely different animal. I have never thought I could fathom how difficult it truly is. The path starts to be slightly difficult but you think you have a good handle on it, and then the difficulty level increases and you get to a point where you are enclosed within four walls. You work your way through the walls just to find yourself on a path in the dark of the night. You feel like you have been walking forever without resolution in sight and what is worse, looking ahead you see nothing but darkness. The horizon never seems to see the sunshine. When does it end? When can you look ahead and actually see the beautiful golden glow of the sunshine which signifies peace coming to your spirit and heart. The final battle is won and you can move on feeling that your persistence in blind faith has paid off. The most diff...

Does love heal all wounds and fallacies in one’s life? That is a question I have been pondering greatly of late. It is said that love and time heals all. I used to believe that whole heartedly. I have very much of late given that theory up. Why? Well, rather simple answer it applies to everyone else but me. I have taken the time away and threw myself into other concentrations and life and yet the pain remains. I have worked very hard in accepting the cloak of love from friends and my spiritual journey; however, it never seems to be enough. The weight of past burdens still lies heavily upon my shoulders. So, what then is the fix? How do you move on when it seems impossible and all you can do is find yourself staring up at a mountain whose peak seems to rise into the Heavens. I sigh. I sit down and stare blankly towards the top as a tear hits my eye. How can one overcome the impossible? I know it is simply the perception of it being impossible, however, when it is true in your own h...

The Lord greatly loves the sinner and Mercifully presses him to His bosom Where were you, My child? I was waiting a long time for you The Lord calls all to Himself With the voice of the Gospel And His voice is heard in all the world “Come to me my sheep” I created you and I love you My love for you brought Me to earth And I suffered all things for the sake of your salvation And I want you all to know my love, And to say, like the Apostles on Tabor Lord, it is good for us to be with You                                                             (St Silvanus the Athonite) Thank God I can call myself a sinner!

I heard a story recently that simply broke my heart and so, I feel it necessary to share. It is a mixed bag of emotions and one which touches every aspect of life. Regardless where one is in life, or their religion or place in society, this story is so very poignant. I must admit that I had to do some research in this as I am not “all-knowing, never wrong” and I have found some interesting things. I learned a few things and on this journey definitely strengthened my belief in my own dogma. The story starts a couple of years ago. A very young and impressionable youth barely hitting his teens discovered something about himself and that was the fact he is a homosexual. In today’s society one would think it isn’t a shocking factor. He was at an age where that discovery was inevitable. One must also keep in mind that we are talking about a pre-teen, someone who needs guidance and support simply because of the stage in life he is about to enter, not to mention how much more difficult it...

I know I have previously brought up that one’s heart is a deep and solemn chasm much like the Bastille once was. It has numerous rooms each carrying a memory or experience which changed the heart in one way shape or form. Some rooms are more painful than others while some can truly be a happy experience. Either way one looks at it, both are lessons learned and experiences which make you who you are today. The main question s whether or not you want to face those rooms and move on or if you are like me and simply barricade them living a superfluous life in the lie that the doors will never open. I have been for the longest time shoving all my past, feelings, and emotions under the proverbial rug. I did so happily because there was never a reason for my having to dig into those memories and I knew I would never come across or rather allow myself to come across any situation which would throw open the gates of my personal hell and torment. So there I was being superwoman thinking my ...

I had a thought come up recently while in a conversation. One of my closest friends claims to be a romantic at heart and in our conversation completely changed his views on what his definition of love is. I must be honest in saying that it really surprised me. I know our perceptions and views change as individuals. We go through life and talk to a myriad of people each sharing their views on every topic discussed. We also rely heavily on the people close to us for guidance, mentoring and role models. We learn and receive our initial ideals from them and build upon from our own experiences. However, this was strange. This is a person I’ve known for years, whose ideals I’ve borrowed from and whose passion and fire to follow his heart I most admired. “Say what?” That was my most brilliant and eloquent response to his telling me he has found “the one”. Wonderful friend that I am was so engrossed in figuring out what went wrong that I completely ignored his comment. Yes I said it…I was f...