Uncensored Heart

Love and pain go hand in hand. That is a very powerful statement by far. Pondering its true and deep rooted meaning I still do not believe I fully grasp it for what it truly means. There are so many definitions for both words, but the phrase as a whole takes on a completely different meaning. I believe that to truly be able to comprehend the true meaning of it and experience this feeling you must be able to experience it. I’ll be perfectly honest in saying I’m not quite sure the practicing of pain to understand love makes much sense, until you truly think and feel it. At what point, however, does anyone want to feel pain just to understand love? I certainly don’t and yet I have experienced both and almost on a daily basis too. I could simply use the example of child birth. Labor and delivery are the most physically painful experience in a woman’s life. However, as soon as it is over she feels nothing but joy and immense love for the little bundle sleeping in her arms. Immense pain...

I know I have said that love is a lot of things but it is never uncertain. I strongly believe that. I know that once you meet your soul mate, the one person you are destined for, etc…..your heart will know it. Something special always happens inside you. The difference is whether or not our brains get involved and we dismiss it because it is illogical to feel something for a person you just met and you do not know. I know I am the poster child for this….if my brain cannot understand the concept it will fight it. So, how is it possible that you know you are looking into the eyes of your soul mate? It is very simple. Your heart and spirit “just know”….they know who their kindred spirit is at an instant. In this one case it is your brain that refuses to acknowledge. We are built to think and reason. Feelings are tertiary in our everyday handling life. In this context, feelings refers to heart-generated emotions. Another words, your heart does not need to get involved when you are going ...

Spirituality, defined……   To love as Jesus loved To love with the heart To love with the whole of oneself To love brothers and sisters Of every race, faith, colour or creed Simply---to love. As we have been loved By Jesus on the Cross With no strings attached Not counting the cost Simply---to love. (Canosian Daighters of Charity)

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 My own hardest battle, although such a simple statement.

Christ is not just some nice guy. He is God and God is within you. God is in our consciousness, in our heart, in our minds---not something material you see outside yourself. You find God in yourself. You descend in your personality. We are eternal, we never die, the body is going to the cemetery, but the consciousness, the person is continually living. So when you descend into yourself, your consciousness is infinite. And this infinity is the temple of the living God. St. Paul says many times you are the temple of the living God because God lives within you. You find God when you know yourself, when you know who you are. If you neglect that, “I don’t have time to think about myself” you will never find God because God is not something material, you do not find him in a specific place. God is always with you if you want Him to be with you. You find God when you find yourself. Fr. Roman Braga the Confessor I found this little piece very inspirational given my entire talk an...

It is said both spiritually and humanly that love makes it all better. The reward for loving selflessly should be the greatest thing on Earth. One should love their neighbor, friends, family, children, and lover with all their heart regardless if that love is reciprocated. This is one of the most difficult things to do. We all know how difficult it can be to truly and selflessly love the one who hurt you most or who let you down, broke your trust and the list goes on and on. I am guilty of that myself. Try as I may, pushing past the anger and hurt is the most difficult thing to achieve, never mind trying to come around to being able not only to let go, but to love your enemy. So, the question in mind is, how does one reach acceptance and love with a person who is toxic in one’s life? I have been asked the question recently and figured it brought up a very good point. I know everyone has had the one person that did noting but poison their life. I do not mean this from a bad perspect...

I had to post this excerpt as I found it to be very moving and written in words I could only hope to one day achieve. It is also a place I have reached in my own journey but find it difficult to put it into words. It is a piece by Saint Silouan on Spiritual Love…….. “ The soul cannot know peace unless she prays for her enemies. The soul that has learned of God's grace to pray, feels love and compassion for every created thing, and in particular for mankind, for whom the Lord suffered on the Cross, and His soul was heavy for every one of us. The Lord taught me to love my enemies. Without the grace of God we cannot love our enemies. Only the Holy Spirit teaches love, and then even devils arouse our pity because they have fallen from good, and lost humility in God. I beseech you, put this to the test. When a man affronts you or brings dishonor on your head, or takes what is yours, or persecutes the Church, pray to the Lord, saying: "O Lord, we are all Thy creatures. Ha...

"Love does not reflect. Love is simple. Love never mistakes. Likewise believe and trust without reflection, for faith and trust are also simple; or better: God, in whom we believe and in whom we trust, is an incomplex Being, as He is also simply love." From St. John of Kronstadt

The child lied on her knees, ears pressed up against the door. She was straining to hear what was happening. Her heart beat so fast and hard it threatened to push out of her chest. The beats were so long and hard she strained against them to hear what was happening on the other side of the door. She was unable to hear clearly, so she bent even lower to try and see what was happening under the door. She did not have much room or view point but nonetheless she strained as hard as she could. She barely made out screams and what sounded like feet shuffling. All she could see was the movement of feet, facing each other against the wall. Her heart was pounding…she had never felt as much terror as she felt now. Her heart threatened to come out of her chest with each bang she heard on the other side of the door. Her mother was crying now. She clearly heard the sobbing. Her father’s voice was raised to anger. She could feel the words her father had said through the anger and clenched teeth. T...

Blind faith in the path of darkness seems to be the most insurmountable task there is to complete. In most situations having faith is rather easy but blind faith is a completely different animal. I have never thought I could fathom how difficult it truly is. The path starts to be slightly difficult but you think you have a good handle on it, and then the difficulty level increases and you get to a point where you are enclosed within four walls. You work your way through the walls just to find yourself on a path in the dark of the night. You feel like you have been walking forever without resolution in sight and what is worse, looking ahead you see nothing but darkness. The horizon never seems to see the sunshine. When does it end? When can you look ahead and actually see the beautiful golden glow of the sunshine which signifies peace coming to your spirit and heart. The final battle is won and you can move on feeling that your persistence in blind faith has paid off. The most diff...

Does love heal all wounds and fallacies in one’s life? That is a question I have been pondering greatly of late. It is said that love and time heals all. I used to believe that whole heartedly. I have very much of late given that theory up. Why? Well, rather simple answer it applies to everyone else but me. I have taken the time away and threw myself into other concentrations and life and yet the pain remains. I have worked very hard in accepting the cloak of love from friends and my spiritual journey; however, it never seems to be enough. The weight of past burdens still lies heavily upon my shoulders. So, what then is the fix? How do you move on when it seems impossible and all you can do is find yourself staring up at a mountain whose peak seems to rise into the Heavens. I sigh. I sit down and stare blankly towards the top as a tear hits my eye. How can one overcome the impossible? I know it is simply the perception of it being impossible, however, when it is true in your own h...

The Lord greatly loves the sinner and Mercifully presses him to His bosom Where were you, My child? I was waiting a long time for you The Lord calls all to Himself With the voice of the Gospel And His voice is heard in all the world “Come to me my sheep” I created you and I love you My love for you brought Me to earth And I suffered all things for the sake of your salvation And I want you all to know my love, And to say, like the Apostles on Tabor Lord, it is good for us to be with You                                                             (St Silvanus the Athonite) Thank God I can call myself a sinner!

I heard a story recently that simply broke my heart and so, I feel it necessary to share. It is a mixed bag of emotions and one which touches every aspect of life. Regardless where one is in life, or their religion or place in society, this story is so very poignant. I must admit that I had to do some research in this as I am not “all-knowing, never wrong” and I have found some interesting things. I learned a few things and on this journey definitely strengthened my belief in my own dogma. The story starts a couple of years ago. A very young and impressionable youth barely hitting his teens discovered something about himself and that was the fact he is a homosexual. In today’s society one would think it isn’t a shocking factor. He was at an age where that discovery was inevitable. One must also keep in mind that we are talking about a pre-teen, someone who needs guidance and support simply because of the stage in life he is about to enter, not to mention how much more difficult it...

I know I have previously brought up that one’s heart is a deep and solemn chasm much like the Bastille once was. It has numerous rooms each carrying a memory or experience which changed the heart in one way shape or form. Some rooms are more painful than others while some can truly be a happy experience. Either way one looks at it, both are lessons learned and experiences which make you who you are today. The main question s whether or not you want to face those rooms and move on or if you are like me and simply barricade them living a superfluous life in the lie that the doors will never open. I have been for the longest time shoving all my past, feelings, and emotions under the proverbial rug. I did so happily because there was never a reason for my having to dig into those memories and I knew I would never come across or rather allow myself to come across any situation which would throw open the gates of my personal hell and torment. So there I was being superwoman thinking my ...

I had a thought come up recently while in a conversation. One of my closest friends claims to be a romantic at heart and in our conversation completely changed his views on what his definition of love is. I must be honest in saying that it really surprised me. I know our perceptions and views change as individuals. We go through life and talk to a myriad of people each sharing their views on every topic discussed. We also rely heavily on the people close to us for guidance, mentoring and role models. We learn and receive our initial ideals from them and build upon from our own experiences. However, this was strange. This is a person I’ve known for years, whose ideals I’ve borrowed from and whose passion and fire to follow his heart I most admired. “Say what?” That was my most brilliant and eloquent response to his telling me he has found “the one”. Wonderful friend that I am was so engrossed in figuring out what went wrong that I completely ignored his comment. Yes I said it…I was f...

You cannot cure the soul of others or "help people" without having changed yourself. You cannot put in order the spiritual economy of others, so long as there is chaos in your own soul. You cannot bring peace to others if you do not have it yourself. (Annun. 2012)

Forgiveness is a word that seems simple enough. If one truly looks deep within them, they are capable of forgiving. Although I do not think most can forget and if you can, I envy you truly. I am one of those basic people that can forgive easily, I hold no grudges or running list of all wrongs done to me, but I never forget. While in and of itself it is not a bad thing. It can help and guide one to be more careful next time and how to better assess friendships and relationships. However, I have come across an aspect of it so intimidating, I am actually stuck. I have been wronged for lack of better wording by a very close family member whom I trusted fully. It took me years to forgive this person, but I finally have. I let it all go and walked away with less burdens and holdbacks. I have recently been put in a position where some of the old ghosts of the past have risen back up. This time the wrong was with an acquaintance of sorts, but one who could become an integral part of my li...

I heard someone very dear to me bring up a topic today, which I found to be a profound point. Encouragement. As easy and simple as it sounds, it seems so very difficult to practice. We are, as humans, very selfish. We are born that way for several reasons, some good and some bad. It is your life’s journey to find not only yourself but also your spiritual faith. It is a two part journey. Some find it quicker than others, some fight against it and can take longer, like yours truly. Yes, I am the poster child for procrastination and fear. I allowed it for so long to mold me into who I thought I was. After today, I had an incredible breakthrough which was so heart opening I couldn’t find any ways to deny it or battle it, and so I let go. I hit a level of peace and serenity very rare and one I have never experienced until today. My reason for it is rather simple. I have let go…let go of all my stress and problems and handed it over so that my yoke may be equally pulled. That was my rea...

I know I have been mentioning the journey that I started within myself and towards God. I need to honestly admit that this is the hardest journey I have ever had to make. The decision to do so was very easy. I went through some really tough times in my life and at one point reached “critical mass”. The last straw, as one would say. My immediate reaction was of course a rather selfish stomping my feet and crying “why me”. We, as adults all do that, I don’t care who you are. When certain news or events come across our world and they are not positive…the first human reaction is typically “why me and why now”. Most likely because we as humans all have lives that are on a constant roller coaster and no time to smell the roses. There is no stop or idle as we all want everything done yesterday. I truly had no idea what I was stepping into. Until I had decided to take that step, I was a zombie spiritually. I walked through life simply going through the motions. I was one of those people t...

Envy is a strong emotion that is difficult to overcome. In the dictionary it is simply defined as discontented or resentful longing of someone else’s belongings, luck, etc. Simply put, you desire and/or want what someone else has. The “grass is greener on the other side” aspect. We have all been guilty of this at one time or another. Does that make us all bad as people? Not at all. If we envy and aspire, another words, utilize that as a motivational driving force to achieve better is one thing. However, if it leads to greed and spite it will make us much more prone to negative and manipulative acts. There is a saying, pulled from scriptures that say….” Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy? (Prov 27:4). Who can stand before jealousy and envy without being completely overtaken? This is a cruel and harsh desire, one which is very difficult to overcome. We all want to be the best and have the best in life. Sometimes, we believe that this is normal t...

It is almost impossible to judge ones true heart and reaction. I found that out tonight as I sit staring out into the cold rain. I thought for sure that after the “Love” story, which is my own that I could get over it. I mean how difficult is it to come to terms with a loss one never saw coming? My mind swears it should be a pang and then one walks away. You continue on with life, while somewhere in the subconscious crevices of the brain you continue the process of working through it. Eventually with time it gets easier and better to deal with. Theoretically, that sounds like a very good and very sound plan. But then you realize that you are thinking with your mind and not your heart. The wretched organ squirms and fights every step of the way and every minute. It seems as though no matter what your brain comes up with, your heart completely and utterly disagrees. This inner battle of heart and mind is enough to tear anyone to shreds. I can’t help but fight the urge to run away. Cod...