My Angel without Wings-Part 2

This is meant to be part 2 of the original story and I must admit I am at a loss. I’m not quite sure how one can complete a story that isn’t truly completed. I have not reached the ending of this tale. So I will use this as a bridge. Much like I believe a person’s soul is the bridge between their spiritual and physical self I will use this story as my soul’s outpouring of where my heart and mind conflict.

 I am the first to admit I don’t always follow my own instinct. That 7 headed dragon of fear that sticks its ugly head out….it always seem to rear out when I need it least of all. But then again life wouldn’t be life without the kick in the rear from sorrow. If nothing else I have learned that life is much like the perfect recipe to one’s favorite dish. You need happiness, sorrow, pain, love, disappointment, compassion, etc to truly get the most out. It builds character in people and forces growth, no matter how much we kick and scream. But unless one experiences the right balance of all the ingredients how then does one make the best meal? I have to share this because it fits so well here. I have a friend of mine who received a fry daddy (no clue what it is) for their birthday. Now, as great as it is for quick snacks and meals it never really satisfies enough to make a meal. There is no variety. I am guilty of that as well. Quick and easy. Guess who is left unsatisfied and wanting more?

In the continuing story of the man whom I despise and love so passionately and at the same time it is maddening…..if one remembers I left or rather walked away in fear and hatred at being forced to examine myself.  I am still examining and quickly getting nowhere. On one side I think logically and talk myself out. The “I’m going to brush it all under the rug, who needs a dustpan” syndrome. This is the brain talking. In my life my brain has been the driver. It has been the instrument through which I have always survived. I trust it implicitly to guide me well. Therefore, I assumed that in this case it should be just as easy. Think about it, pour out the logical data and make definitive decision. There is only one problem with that. The wretched organ that sits south of the head….the thing that ensures we are all not sociopaths in life. The heart. That wretched creature knows no end. It seems to be a glutton for punishment. The secret…the blasted thing has no concept of logic. It is almost as a mindless mime…regardless of how many times your mind says “danger, walk away” because it keeps memories and hurts in its treasure chest, the heart moves forward unarmed. Your brain tries hopelessly to put its armor on and rush to catch up with the heart but it never reaches it in time. So here my brain has taken control, or so it believes, and trapped the heart into obedience. Then why am I still undecided and in turmoil over this?

I did discover the answer. I am built as one who needs to mentally justify any and all decisions made. My brain needs to make sense and accept the end result which then drives me to my decision. The heart typically capitulates and final say is then rendered. In this case because I am so at odds with the issue I cannot seem to get my mind or heart to acquiesce to the other. And so the war wages on. I have completely stayed away from the man in question. I was going for the out of sight, out of mind theme. It’s not working. My brain is in constant want to move on and begin repairs while the heart is holding steady and now I’ve accomplished adding the feeling of a longing and yearning to its wretchedness.

So there I am in complete and utter stasis. Never have I ever had to face this kind of deep seeded emotional decision. I admit that because of its depth I am uncomfortable in my own skin and uncomfortably second guessing every decision I make. I feel like a fish out of water. Although I know myself and where I am, the fact that this situation has not only slapped me in the face because I don’t understand how exactly I got here it is forcing me to walk out in blind faith and follow my heart. That is what makes this such a struggle spiritually and mentally. It isn’t as easy as chicken or steak? I have never made a decision with only my heart. That is an army worth of red flags and the antithesis of who I am or rather was as a person. I don’t like this new introspective me.

This is the one aspect in my current life that completely has me chained in the dungeon and flopping like a fish out of water. Those close to me look at me in complete and utter awe. Most advice I get is to go with my gut. That makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. But they cannot understand this inner battle. I can’t understand it. The only saving grace I have is I am running out of time. That is a luxury I do not have. One reason is my own proverbial putting my foot down against myself and the other reason…well, that’s something I have yet to come to terms with so I can’t write and divulge it now. I would be all over the map and don’t do well when my thoughts are not organized…as evidenced here.

Therefore, on goes the struggle of heart and mind. It is every individual’s battle throughout life. It only gets more difficult as the stakes are raised and one’s normal reaction and path chosen are called into question. Sacrifices are required and can limit and inhibit a person. They also influence one’s decisions. I have learned that taking the safe, “nothing is required of me” path does not always make for a happy ending. The most difficult choices bound us and force us to grow as individuals and stimulate us to make positive changes in our lives. If nothing else a call to bravery is an ever changing door in one’s life. The easiest road does not always bring the most fruitful ending. We all go through lessons in life, whether or not we learn from them or our mistakes determines only how many times we suffer through that very same lesson.