Blind Faith

Blind faith in the path of darkness seems to be the most insurmountable task there is to complete. In most situations having faith is rather easy but blind faith is a completely different animal. I have never thought I could fathom how difficult it truly is. The path starts to be slightly difficult but you think you have a good handle on it, and then the difficulty level increases and you get to a point where you are enclosed within four walls. You work your way through the walls just to find yourself on a path in the dark of the night. You feel like you have been walking forever without resolution in sight and what is worse, looking ahead you see nothing but darkness. The horizon never seems to see the sunshine. When does it end? When can you look ahead and actually see the beautiful golden glow of the sunshine which signifies peace coming to your spirit and heart. The final battle is won and you can move on feeling that your persistence in blind faith has paid off.

The most difficult time is when you have a belief deep down that seems to be a burning and seething belief in your heart. Then one day you wake up and everything that crosses your path seems to turn that into a complete false theory. How do you make peace with your heart when the evidence is otherwise so damming? I only wish I had the answer to that. My walk would be so much easier. When prayer in the deep of night brings no solution, no peace you wonder and start to doubt yourself and everyone around you. My own faith is staunch and immovable. It delves deep into my heart and soul. It is not shaken under any circumstances. Blind faith, however, I seem to be a kindergartner in. How can one make that  amends with a truth in their heart when the evidence is damming? Simple; by kicking and screaming and introspecting yourself once again. I feel this way with regards to my best friend who walked away from his responsibilities of fatherhood. The main and rather only reason is pure selfishness. It goes well beyond the limits of faith. When you cannot deny yourself for your own flesh and blood, there is definitely something spiritually wrong with you. I am simply angered watching him walk into church pretending to be such a deep Christian and then see who he is outside and want to throw up. How difficult is accountability nowadays?

My difficulty is that I know deep down he isn’t this person he portrays. He isn’t this selfish or childish. If he were our friendship would have ended a long time ago. I don’t deal with fake. So, I have walked in blind faith that this situation will work itself out for the better. Unfortunately, with each passing day my own faith is challenged. I see this once normal sweet guy simply turn his back on his own flesh and blood. Regardless of his feelings for the girl, he has no right to put the same feelings and fears on an unborn child. I will say that I have always been pro-baby. That is not pro-life or pro-choice. I think it depends on the situation and whether the parent or parents are in a position to give the child a decent life. Never mind selfish choices for the simple fact of being politically correct. Political correctness has turned normal rational individuals in idiotic sheep. No one thinks for themselves anymore. That being said, accountability still remains. You cannot as a human walk away as if this was a boo boo and your life will continue if you pretend it didn’t happen. In my book, and I am rather harsh, one should lose their humanity card.

I am also split with this because my own faith is being tested in this and I am stuck between both of them. My guy friend, however, due to his selfish apathy is very quickly losing me. There has already been a massive precipice building between us. I cannot bring myself to his level and look honestly at him and say it is ok. While I desire no involvement in the situation (if it were up to me), I cannot look at him even as a friend; I have lost trust and respect completely. The sad and rather painful part is watching this man move on in life like nothing is wrong. He has moved on relationship wise, is looking to move into a different apartment, etc. Major life changes while she sits confused, being completely smacked in the face with a completely unexpected result. I feel her pain and rawness of emotion. While I know most will say it is because I am a girl. Wrong. He has lost guy friends over similar feelings of “what is wrong with you…this is major and you need to face it and deal with it, not pretend like it didn’t happen and start another relationship”. So, I can honestly say this has been the feelings across the board. Friendships that have been long term have suffered and the dynamics are all turning from close friends to acquaintances. My friend continues on with life in selective ignorance. Whatever happened to humanity?

I will say that since I have been pulling away from him because nothing I seem to say makes a dent. Advice and caring seems to fall on deaf ears. So, yes, shame on me I have reached a point where I have given up on him. While I will not turn my back I refuse to pretend everything is sunshine and lollipops. That alone causes major tension between us and rather than be forced to walk away I would rather back off and calmly sit on the sidelines. I have yet to reconcile whether or not this is right or wrong, but I would rather not act out in anger. Watching him ensure his roommate eats before his flesh and blood is simply infuriating. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. Such is the fallacy of the heart; you cannot force or manipulate it to do your mind’s bidding. So what happens now? My walk in blind faith that something will be a positive change is starting to diminish. My heart goes out to the girl.

While I do not “male bash” I will be honest, I have so wanted to. My heart and soul cannot makes amends in peace and I am torn where I want to scream it in his face but then compassion hits. This path is not only dark it seems to be very rocky. My heart goes out to the girl for one reason and one reason only. She has faced the issue and is dealing with it without drama. I know she has had some turbulent times with it and tossed and turned nightly, but she is dealing with it. Recently she did tell me that a wonderful change happened in her life and she has made some decisions. While these decisions are good and beneficial for her, they do not bode well for him. If he has any feelings for her or his child, he needs to make up his mind and act; else he will suffer the consequences of major loss for the rest of his life. Since my loyalties and honesty is grounded I cannot tell him, I just pray something happens in his life to where he will wake up and be accountable. Time is not a luxury he has assuming she is remotely still open to hearing him out. I do not know if he burned the bridge by waiting and turning into an ass in the interim.

I find myself split in two in this situation. I am not judging either party, since I know my own inequities well and have no right, but I cannot help my heart for going out to both of them. My blind faith is being tested very harshly in this case. I say mine, because I am the one that prays for peace and grace to enter both of their lives. I know she will be ok, my compassion extends to him. He is shaky in faith and simply goes through the motions. My fear is she will carry out her plan and one day 15, 16, 17 years later he opens the door to find an angry child on the doorstep wanting answers. I cannot imagine anyone having to go through that. I don’t think he even realizes the possibility in that. He is too busy being an idiot to shut out his responsibility. I see no end, no sun over the horizon and find myself contemplating why this happens in life and how can this situation possibly get better? I find no answers and yet still find myself walking the path in blindness.

What happens when we are challenged and everything you know to be true is challenged. Just when you think nothing else can go wrong, another shoe drops. When we are comfortable in our life…that isn’t our life but rather a lie. How can an individual male or female go through life knowing you have a child out there somewhere? How does one sleep at night knowing your entire life is a fake? You can never look at yourself in the mirror and not cringe. The monster gets bigger and bigger. Life as a lie while in church professing truth in heart and soul…..the paradox of life.