The Idiocy of Love

James stood hunched over the bathroom sink. Nausea hit him like waves hitting the shore….not overwhelmingly bad but enough to ground him. He refused to move, but more so he refused to look in the mirror. He couldn’t decide whether to go to anger, confusion or plain self pity. He had reconciled within himself that he had every right to be confused; his life completely changed in the time it took to punch out one text message on his phone. Walls closed in, his body went numb, and he felt nothing but ice running through his veins. Anger was what he struggled with. He felt rage, intense maddening anger that he couldn’t control. His fists clenched tightly as he slammed them on the countertop. The only thing he couldn’t come to terms with was who to be angry with…himself or Mackenzie. So the feeling of intense rage that ran through his veins threatening to boil over was as real as the sunset and sunrise…so why can’t he make amends? blame Mackenzie and walk away. Then after a moment of thinking about Mackenzie his emotions flowed into self pity. His heart softened and confusion took hold again. It was 6 in the morning. His mind had been running this same scenario over and over all night. He was tired and drained.

Slowly he lifted his head and looked at his reflection. Idiot was the best description of himself at that moment. What was wrong with him? How could he be so infantile in front of this woman? She loved him…or did she? She admitted it but then retracted. So what was he supposed to think? She couldn’t make up her mind and so he took the reins and told her exactly how he felt…simple that he barely cared for her as a friend and could care less what she wanted to do. He remembered the look in her eyes….pain, confusion and total embarrassment. Her lips quivered slightly and he noticed the tiniest detail of her biting her bottom lip to keep it from quivering and control herself from crying. A small smile crossed his lips when he remembered her telling him she had to be brave, then flexed her arms and toppled him. “Pinned Ya” she’d say and then walk away. She was truly the best friend he had. He trusted her completely as she had never let him down. She was his shoulder, his rock and always answered the phone when he reached out. The smile left his lips and “idiot” stamped his memory in fiery iron.

She called him last night. Told him she was considering moving out of state due to a new job opportunity and she wanted to see him and say goodbye. He was terror struck at the mere thought of her leaving. The realization of what was to come threatened to suffocate him. His chest got tight, he’d sworn his heart was ripped out, squeezed and forced back in. Nausea and vertigo threatened to overtake him and he wanted make the world go away. Love, yes damn it, he was in love with her, couldn’t think of living without her, she was his muse, his love, his best friend…how dare she think of leaving and never seeing or talking to him again? Didn’t she know how he felt? I love you was on the tip of his tongue. He felt rejection to the core, but he was going to tell her; stop her.  So in his most brilliant and calm voice he told her he was happy for her, wished her luck, not to worry that he had plenty of friends and wouldn’t miss her. Idiot!! Discord; Somehow the heart never got the message to the brain and he was met with his best friend…the double headed dragon of fear. Once it was out, it was out. He stayed with that story and tore her to shreds emotionally with his words. He knew it, felt her and yet continued to beat her over and over with his words. She finally said a simple goodbye and he no longer heard from her. Idiot!

Now was the time he of course talked himself into believing he was not good enough for her and eventually would break her heart, tearing it into pieces. Not by facts or her ever saying anything but rather his assumption of what he thought she wanted. Now he wasn’t so sure anymore. What she told him was that she loved him….what he heard was she loved him right now.

The reflection that stared back was rather idiotic and he felt like a heel. So, now not only did he break her heart, shove her away and hurt her beyond comprehension over nothing but his own fear, he felt like a heel. A mutual friend told him she had her ticket and was packing. She was leaving tonight. The bravery he usually felt in the presence of friends was now fading into complete fear. Staring in the mirror a tear streamed down his cheek. That angered him more. He was a man, he doesn’t cry….why did she have this effect on him. A woman is a woman is a woman….all the same and she was not his type. So why was his heart a cement block and why was he crying. He stared at himself for what seemed like forever, memories raced through his mind of her, her smile, her wit…until he couldn’t stand it any longer. But he hurt her, how could she want him now? Damm it, he didn’t care. He was going after her. He was going to make a last plea for her. If she rejected him to his face then at least he would know the truth. What was the last thing she said to him? That she forgives him and understands. Tears flowed more freely now. She forgave him. He was the bastard and yet she forgave him. She did nothing to him but love him and be his friend and yet she forgave him. Idiot. He sniffled once, clenched his fists and before he could say anything an overwhelming sense of peace and serenity settled upon him. He had been forgiven. Mackenzie found it in her heart to forgive him. He took one last long look at himself and chose to make an astounding resolution. He would forgive himself. He needed to for his own peace. He had to go to her in calm serenity and tell her the truth, everything that was in his heart and apologize from the heart. The terror, anger and fear were now fading quickly and hope dawned his day. If she truly meant she loved him and forgave him then she would at least hear him out. His honesty was something she treasured so he’d hope for the best. He needed her, wanted her and it had to be now.

He quickly got dressed, washed his face and ran out the door. He wasn’t going to call or text. He needed to see her with an urgency he had never felt. He always took her for granted, knew she would answer his call but this time was different. He was a new man and on the road to forgiveness. He was going to face her. He got in the car and started driving to her place. As he drove on his nerves started to wane and he felt fear coming back. This time though the fear turned into maddening determination. He pulled into her driveway. Picked one rose from her garden and made his way to her door. He knocked. The door opened and he swore he saw the face of the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. He smiled. But no smile crossed her face. Her eyes were red as if they’d been crying and she looked tired and drained. His smile quickly faded. His heart sank as the first thing he heard her say was “what do you want now? I got your point and really can’t handle much more from you right now”.  He opened his mouth but words would not come. He was shocked. He ached to his core that he had done this to her and now when he could fix it, only silence poured forth. Her eyes were intently on him and she waited for his remark. The only thing that escaped his lips was a whispered “I’m in love with you”.  She looked at him as though she was unsure if it was a dream or in fact reality. He stared into her eyes and knew, something in him knew. His voice got louder this time and he apologized for how he hurt her and profusely repeated how much he loved her. He then waited and stared at her. She had his heart in her hands. He couldn’t breathe. Stunned, Mackenzie was silent for what seemed to be an eternity. Her lips twitched as she tried to hold back a smile. The smile got bigger and she got on her tip toes reached up and kissed him on the cheek. You can be such an idiot sometimes…but I do love you very much. He grabbed her and hugged her closer and tighter than he ever had. This time he was going to let go.