Inspiration Through Loss

I spent the evening talking to a friend tonight. While talking about typical friend issues….we came across a mutual friend in discussion. This person comes across as a sleaze, for lack of better wording. Rather manipulative and angry as a whole. I don’t know the person on a one on one basis but from the descriptions of most people I have to say I have nothing but compassion for this person. Having been in my own hole of fear and anger at the world I understand the feeling and desire. To be honest I still have days I want to run as far away as possible. The only down side I realized is that no matter how far I run I can’t run from myself. It will not go away. I have to look in the mirror and face myself. How does one run from oneself?

I found myself looking at people and situations all around me. I recognize the turmoil that most deal with and the fear of themselves. What if they aren’t good enough to make it? What if their significant other will cheat or leave them because they don’t make enough money or aren’t good looking enough? What if they don’t make that promotion or lose their job? The sad thing I realize is that every one of these folks is running scared from themselves. They put a face on for the public and despise themselves in private. Now I know there are a lot of people out there that will say…”hell no, I never do that..I am comfortable with myself”…..yes I know that to be true. However because we as individuals are so set on pleasing everyone but ourselves we lose sight of who we truly are. Human nature and instinct drives us to hiding. That can be through losing yourself so deep into the front you portray that you truly lose sight of who you really are. Others will allow the bottle to magically take it away. Temporary band aid.

I know I have done all of the above. I met someone who, against my better judgment, was allowed to get very close to me. This person rocked me to the core. I was discovering things about myself I didn’t think were possible. When I looked in the mirror, I discovered I hated myself. I never lied to this person or presented myself in any false pretense, however, I was holding back. Yes, I held back and was not completely truthful with this person. Now this was not such a big deal at first…however….as time went on the importance of holding back that information became evident. I still held back. When it hit me all at once the damage I had done by being afraid to face myself and be true to my own heart…..my first reaction was to run. And run I did. I blamed it on him, then on my inequities, then on the sun and moon and everything but where blame should have been. I went through every stage of mourning there is. I mourned for myself. I then shut down and completely isolated myself from the world. I needed to introspect and do so deeply and most of all honestly.

I went in as a cocoon and emerged a butterfly. Great ending one would think. Wrong. I had to endure the pain and disappointment of facing myself daily. I also had to come to terms with who I was. That sucked, to put it bluntly.

Now after examining my own experience, I look back to this person who most see in a negative light and think back to where I was. Although I don’t wish my loss on even my worst enemy, it is an unfortunate requirement in life to go through. A stage one cannot avoid in the continuing effort to be free, free in your heart and soul…free to give love and receive it selflessly. That is truly the best gift one can give to themselves…compassion and love.  The hardest concept most people seem to battle with is keeping in mind that “love keeps no records of wrongs”…yes a Bible reference but so poignantly true in life. If one can learn to forgive others and love selflessly one can move on emotionally. The hardest person one needs to forgive is the ugly and hideously monster staring back from the mirror…yourself.