My Angel Without WIngs

I was walking through life making no sense or care in the world. I remember having been hurt once….and the funny thing is I hurt myself as I am the one who through resentment of my own broke up with my childhood sweetheart. Looking back now I built my own resentment wall, left the man I was going to marry and walked away. Back then my reasoning was logical..or so I thought. Hind sight being 20/20 I discovered something, I walked…no ran away because I was scared. My fear at the time was minimal to say the least but ever present. My decision would have required my moving away from family and trusting in this man completely. So my brave and courageous self ran like wildfire spreading. Somehow, I talked myself into it being his fault. I wasn’t ready to actually blame me and since he wasn’t here and now without my having to move away automatically makes him guilty. Logical woman that I am took that small ounce of nothing and ran with it. The end result….6 years of a guilt driven war path to gain vengeance. On what? I still don’t know. Truthfully so, I stop and think back trying to make sense of my younger more dumb self and cannot pin it down to reason.

Now that one experience didn’t throw me into hermit mode or hiding within myself as to avoid people in general…no, that pushed me to go out and hurt as many men as I possibly could. I was out for blood. I thought I was being normal and sane and doing what any normal female would do. Wrong again. My male friends cringed at the thought of going out with me and were talking men away in the hopes of saving their hearts. I pity my wonderful and loyal comrades now. Eventually I started getting bored with the hurt every man in site ritual. It didn’t give me the satisfaction I was looking for. After that 6 year time frame I had a life changing event hit and it hit hard. It stopped my freight train of revenge dead in its tracks. I then pulled into the station. The dead station and put myself in self imposed isolation. Why? If one is in a shell of titanium one cannot get hurt. Brilliant. My idiocy at the time knew no bounds. I slowly crept deeper and deeper into the black hole of loneliness, while telling myself there was nothing wrong and that’s life. Luckily I had some friends that reminded me I was still a woman and forced me out. I went back and forth for a while. I was no longer interested in hurting or getting revenge, however, I specifically looked at people that I knew I would never be interested enough in long term. Why? Safety. It was all about me and my protecting my heart. So there I continued for a while much like a horse with blinders on, refusing to see anything outside my own little world. I ignored friend’s requests and telling them they were crazy to think I was self sabotaging. I got so good at it that I started believing it myself. Eventually that little ball of lies started rolling down the hill getting bigger and bigger. It made me think there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t meet anyone normal. What I failed to realize is that although my perspective changed, I never changed my method of going out or “hunting”. Finally I gave up, as another extremely painful event took place.

After this last event in my life, I spent over a year going through the motion of life, never really aware of it happening. I drowned out holidays with a comforting bottle of Jack Daniels. That made it ok. It was the comfort I needed to get through. Why not talk to anyone or reach out one may ask? Because at this point I was still a super woman, there was nothing wrong in my life I just needed to get through. Luckily I never developed a habit of it. I only used it through holidays and certain reminders. Yes, I know I was the poster child for idiotic and erratic female throwing herself in a tailspin over nothing. Yes, truly nothing except the lies I told myself and the wall I built around myself so as not to get hurt. My life was crumbling all around me and I was a passive bystander. I did during this time make life rules for myself. These were boundaries I told myself that if not crossed would keep me pain free and unblemished. Then my entire world took a left turn. Derailed. I met someone who took every belief and rule I set up and threw it out the window. Against my better judgment or rather self protection mode I stepped out of my shell. This was the last person I ever expected to rock my world and scare me back into life. Although up until recently I despised what he did to me. How dare he change every bit of comfort and strip me of my security blanket of lies. I was angry and guilt ridden for feeling that way. He forced me to introspect and look in the mirror. I hated what I saw. I didn’t recognize the person. I started to delve deep into myself, who I was, what I wanted from life and where I was going. I didn’t know which way to go. I felt much like a kitten chasing her tail round and round. I finally hit my “aha” moment. Kicking and screaming I started my own process of getting to know me and dealing with my past.

For that reason, this person is my angel without wings. Unfortunately, the process itself was painfully difficult to get through and I ended up walking away or rather distancing myself from this angel in human form. If the person ever reads it and figures it out…thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you for pushing me into myself. This is only part 1 of this story, I am working on part 2…however that is the painful part and will take a bit.