Package Deals

According to one of my favorite writers he has a chapter entitled “Love is a package deal”. I read that last night because I needed a boost in faith. I have been struggling with faith in myself to be of any help to the girl in “Silence”. I can’t seem to get over my own inequities in order to hand hold her through hers.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t proverbially get over myself and my own opinions. So, I needed a boost and picked up that book once again. For those who have and do read the Bible it is a direct pull from Corinthians in expounding on what love should be. This is the love for humanity and each other, not to be confused with that of romantic.

What particularly sticks out in my mind is this…”love….bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”; the flagship of love being patience. One of the most ideal and beautiful sentiments I have ever heard. In practice, I am very guilty of literally none of the above, although I would never show it. I mean how can I love a fellow human that it so hard to love and doesn’t seem to deserve it, I’m scraping patience from the bottom of a barrel and I have one tiny dose of forgiveness left in me. I know we all have been there. The days you want to scream at everyone in your path to simply go away and leave you alone while you run home and isolate yourself pouting and feeling sorry for yourself. Everyone seems to betray and throw one dose of aggravation towards you. I am there now. I feel that way now. While it is normally fine to go into self imposed isolation and pet your own ego, praying for a boost of faith and peace…I don’t have that luxury now. This woman needs me and my so-called profound understanding now.

As I stand at the bottom of a rocky mountain of fear in my mind, staring up to the summit a feeling of nausea grips me. What if I’m not good enough for her? What if my own fears and past cannot suppress themselves long enough for me to be of any help to her and I end up hurting her more? These and a myriad of other questions race through my mind as I sit in church staring at my favorite iconography of Christ. Lost in my own little selfish world of self pity I am drawn back to reality by the most profound words that could have been spoken to me at that moment….”nothing happens by chance…there is a reason for everything and everything has its time”.  Really? That was my most theologically mature response. Yeah…I am an idiot more than not. I fully understood and knew exactly what it meant, however, kicking and screaming is more comforting at times. Who would choose to fight against the odds when simply capitulating is so easy and less painful?

Services finished and I remained seated. I was on a mission to moan and complain to my priest. Yes, I was going to walk right up and complain about the mess I was in and why me, etc. He looked at me sitting and knew I was waiting on him and so he motions me forward once the church cleared out. I walked up and before I could open my mouth to say a syllable he told me I needed to confess. So, being the obedient soldier in faith I did. I despise the man at times. He seems to know my soul even when I don’t.  On my knees I got and relieved my soul of its inequities in complete and utter humility, I stood up and had no further questions. My annoyance dissipated and I smiled at him and walked away. His last words to me were simple;”reign in your compassion and dig deep to find your answer”. He was right…again. That seemed to stir me even more. But I did find the answer and peace I didn’t have when I walked in.

Now I am left with a myriad of questions yet again except this time they are much more in depth and more directed towards me. I entered into a realm of introspection.  I don’t have all the answers or the required strength to climb this rocky mountain. But what I do have is faith that I will reach that point one day and be able to climb any mountain.

 Love is a package deal; it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”; the flagship of love being patience. Maybe this person was placed in my path for more than my helping her. I was helping me. It is a package deal indeed. Remember it’s not the size of the package but rather what is in it that truly matters. Her package may be larger, mine smaller but together it is a gift of healing and learning.